Dealing with your relatives.

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- Momo94
- Ex-Muslim
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Dealing with your relatives.
OP - November 08, 2016, 09:36 AM

Hi everyone.

I recently joined this forum and have been an ex Muslim for years. My family aren't really that religious but, they have really bigoted views about people like us. I have been thinking about coming out and telling my relatives about my religious views -- or my lack of religious views and opinions. I keep telling myself that I am waiting for the perfect time but, there doesn't ever seem to be a perfect time. Everytime I bring up a subject which I hope to use as a spring board to make my views public... I hold myself back. Maybe it is because the views that some of the people in my family have are so backward and fucked up (sorry for my language). Or maybe it's because I don't really want to be disowned, attacked (verbally and possibly even physically) or both. I really want some help. How did some of you guys break the news to your loved ones? What was it like? And, finally what advice do you have for me?

Momo.
- Cornflower
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Dealing with your relatives.
Reply #1 - November 08, 2016, 01:24 PM

What's the motive for telling them? Do you think it will make your relationship, or somehow change their views, for the better?

I'm asking because on one hand, I understand the need to "stay true to oneself", but on the other hand it is sometimes better to just keep things to oneself because in not doing so, you'll not improve your life in any way. Sometimes even on the contrary, you'll create problems for yourself who were "unnecessary" in the first place. I came out as an ex-Muslim (even though I today have gotten over the whole "need-to-distance-myself-from-my-negative-oppressive-experience-with-Islam", and identify as "Muslim" who simply doesn't believe "passionately" in god), and I did it because I had to get away from an abusive relationship and keep myself safe from harm. And to improve the quality of my life.

Had I been married to a normal man in a happy and healthy marriage, and was not forced to perform Islamic rituals including the hijab and niqab, I'm not sure if I would've decided to "come out" and end my "Islamic" lifestyle so radically (I mean, I like the salah and after so many years memorizing the Quran, why wouldn't I recite it from time to time?). I did it though, in order to survive.

Or in other words, since I'm a linguistic genius, why be a shit-disturber if you'll be the one with shit all over you.

That's just my opinion though

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
- babooshka
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Dealing with your relatives.
Reply #2 - November 08, 2016, 02:13 PM

I agree with cornflower.

I've never actually come out and told my parents when I stopped believing. They kind of gradually worked it out for themselves. All of my muslim friends are the same. they don't believe or have doubts but they've not actually said outright that they're not muslims. And they're fine with it. And its not because they're afraid of violent repercussions. Islam just doesn't feature big in their lives.

If you can get by without making an announcement, it'll be easier.
- Momo94
- Ex-Muslim
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Dealing with your relatives.
Reply #3 - November 08, 2016, 03:31 PM

I really want to tell my parents and family myself before they find from someone else. There are a few members of my community who seem to have realised that I am not a believing Muslim (due to a debate I had with someone who I thought I could trust and call a friend). One of those people is visiting soon, he seems to be hell-bent on either outing me so to speak or 'bring me back into the fold of Islam' (his words exactly). I have always been very vauge with the questions I put to my relatives, so I don't think they are aware of my opinions. I guess I am just scared of being outed by someone else. I'd like to be the person who tells my parents, I don't want it to be some bastard who I thought I could trust.
- Quod Sum Eris
- King of the
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Dealing with your relatives.
Reply #4 - November 09, 2016, 01:37 AM

Unless you're hooked up to a lie detector you can't really be outed unless you say point blank "I'm not a muslim". What with it being the 21st century you can justify a lot of arguments without it seeming to place you outside the religion. Applying what you might call the spirit of islam to situations today can be a stepping stone. You can argue that, for instance, needing four witnesses is irreverent if you have DNA and CCTV that clearly shows the truth (and I'm sure you can think of a number of other things) are valid points which don't take you out of the fold of islam so long as you profess there's no god but allah and Mo is his messenger. If someone disagrees, well that's not you saying islam isn't worthwhile outside dark age Arabia is it?

Something to ponder, perhaps, while you decide the best way to tell them your true feelings, if and when you choose to.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
- bogart
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Dealing with your relatives.
Reply #5 - November 09, 2016, 09:04 AM

Quote from: Momo94 on November 08, 2016, 09:36 AM
Hi everyone.

I recently joined this forum and have been an ex Muslim for years. My family aren't really that religious but, they have really bigoted views about people like us. I have been thinking about coming out and telling my relatives about my religious views -- or my lack of religious views and opinions. I keep telling myself that I am waiting for the perfect time but, there doesn't ever seem to be a perfect time. Everytime I bring up a subject which I hope to use as a spring board to make my views public... I hold myself back. Maybe it is because the views that some of the people in my family have are so backward and fucked up (sorry for my language). Or maybe it's because I don't really want to be disowned, attacked (verbally and possibly even physically) or both. I really want some help. How did some of you guys break the news to your loved ones? What was it like? And, finally what advice do you have for me?

Momo.

I waited until my mother was ready and openly talked about her issues with her faith to me. In my view this was a necessary step as she was thinking about religion for herself rather than recycling what she read and heard from other people. Although she is still a believer she could understand how I could have doubts and issues as she herself had. I didn't come out and blurt refutations but put forward questions using involving morality. For example Pharaoh and Moses with God hardening the Egyptians' hearts is a violation of free will. Is punishing people that can not make the moral choice just? Is using an entire people as an object lesson to convince the Hebrews, it wasn't for the Egyptians benefit, moral? The Egyptians were setup to lead people astray by God. Is that moral? If so can we not claim that punishing innocents and setting brutal examples is moral? This sets up a problem of evil paradox as a realization in their mind rather than you telling them the paradox directly. Morality becomes arbitrary as a result.

My grandparents never developed any doubts like my mother did. They were fundamentalist as in applying their religion to every aspect and act of life. I never bothered to approach the subject with them. It would just cause a conflict as they had an all or nothing viewpoint. Obviously I didn't share this view so I decided that having a relationship with them even with moment of discomfort was worth more than no relationship and a lot of discomfort.

At times one must accept that some people are willing to listen and accept people have different views while others are incapable of it. Pick your "battles" as some are not worth it.
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