Telling My Parents

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- MissDuplicity
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Telling My Parents
OP - May 14, 2017, 03:35 PM

Hi

I am new to this site and have just opened up an account. I am 26 years old and left my home when i was about 21/22. A lot has happened during the time I left which I won't go too deep into atm. There was a gap where I did not speak to my parents despite their efforts to get in touch. I am basically at the stage where I have just told my parents via text that I am not religious and never wanted to be. I have seen them a handful of times mainly because my dad has been diagnosed with cancer and I wanted to visit. The reason I stopped going this past month is because my mum is pushing religion on me too much and she spends a good couple of hours lecturing it to me and wanting me to recite/remember parts of the Quran. This has made me really unhappy and not want to visit. My dad does not push religion on me and I don't think it bothers him as much. He just wants me to visit him. I have told me mum before that the only reason I would follow it all is to please her and she then went on a big rant about how God will be angry etc etc. A few weeks later she continued to lecture me so I stopped visiting. Anyway back to the texts I had sent. I sent it to my dad first so he knows that that is the reason I don't go home. He said that no one will force me to do anything and that he was really happy when I started to come home to visit and answer the phone and that I should just listen to my mum and not get upset when she talks about religion. I thought about it and thought no she needs to know, otherwise I am basically back to where I started and will have to put up with it all again, so I then sent it to my mum ad she went on a big rant over how I think I'm cleaver and old enough etc and that I would never have sent that message to my dad to begin with knowing that he is ill. I am now at the stage where I don't know if I should go home at the moment. I don't know what their real reactions will be when I am there. I wish religion would not play such a significant part at home because it is something I have no belief in. It is especially difficult as I get very anxious at times and this particular issue is making it worse. Any advice would be grand! I am more than happy to answer any further questions also. Thanks!
- Zimriel
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Telling My Parents
Reply #1 - May 14, 2017, 08:28 PM

Welcome

I think the important thing for you and your dad is to get as much time together as you can and to avoid conflict with your mother, which distracts from that. Your mother should understand that everyone is on the same side.
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Telling My Parents
Reply #2 - May 14, 2017, 11:23 PM

It's good that you are establishing some kind of boundary. If it were me, I would have probably acquiesced with my mother's demands like some sort of spineless git. These kinds of situations are hard to gauge, and probably you are in the best position to intuit what the probable reaction will be, and you should trust your own instinct to take the right action.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your dad's poor health. I hope that you are able to spend the time with him that you both need, without too much stress.

And welcome to the forum. Have a rabbit!

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Reply #3 - May 15, 2017, 02:25 AM

Welcome!
I suggest you put her off as best as you can. Would it be possible to tell her you are there to visit with your father when she starts to lecture and that you can listen to her in an hour or tomorrow or whenever is the end of the visit?
There are a number of different tactics you can try, to turn a conversation around, give it a think and see if you can come up with anything- my brother has always had suggestions for me, I hope you have someone to consult, too.
I have had to try different techniques on my own mother over the years, and the not calling and not visiting thing is usually my last resort. I am pretty good at distracting people from their topic, probably because I am myself distracted.
Only you know your family and your situation, so my suggestions are just that, suggestions that might not work for you. I really hope you find some way to make it bearable. I am so sorry your father is having such a struggle with his health and I wish the best for you and yours.

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- PebbleWalkway
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Reply #4 - May 15, 2017, 04:43 AM

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a volatile situation. Even though you may feel complied to bear as much as you can for your father’s sake, please bear in mind that your belief and safety is not something to be compromised.
I hope you have a social support network and make sure that a friend, someone knows whenever you are visiting your family in case anything happens. Wish you good sleep and a strong heart.
- babooshka
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Telling My Parents
Reply #5 - May 17, 2017, 08:02 PM

do what ever you have to do to get to see your dad.

can you meet up with him for a coffee - if he is able/well enough? ask if you can take him to his hospital appointments etc.

I remember my mum used to lecture me a few years ago. she soon gave up when I started to question her beliefs. I think they do it out of fear. try and explain to her that right now your priority is your dad. if she raises her voice never raise yours. keep calm and don't get dragged into any arguments. hopefully she will tire of it and leave you alone.

If that doesn't work, take a friend, who your parents don't know, when you next visit. families often behave themselves in front of strangers.

I really hope it works out for you guys and that you can see you dad soon.
- MissDuplicity
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Reply #6 - January 02, 2018, 04:04 AM

Arrrggh! This is why I don't go on this site. I don't know how to make a new post. This website design is awful and old fashioned. It is also hard to navigate. I have been back and forth trying to figure out how to make a post. I made 1 months ago and now I am back the site and forgot how to do a new post can anyone help??
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Reply #7 - January 07, 2018, 01:03 AM

I can't find it either. There's another layout to this forum where there is a button showing "new topic" but can't see it on this version i have either lol baffled
- suki
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Telling My Parents
Reply #8 - January 07, 2018, 12:15 PM

Ah, found it, forget the above lol... Just click on forum, then click on one of the headings you want to post under such as Introductions, if you look to the right of the screen you will then see a red button saying New topic.
- MissDuplicity
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Telling My Parents
Reply #9 - January 13, 2018, 01:31 AM

Thank you Suki I have finally found it. I will write a post when I get up. For now I am going to bed
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