My Story
OP - November 15, 2017, 10:33 PM
I've been a lurker here for a while but never had the courage to join. I guess I wasn't truly comfortable with my identity. Sometimes I still can’t quite believe how much I’ve changed from my old self. The old me wouldn’t recognise the new.
I'm female, mid twenties, northern. I was raised as a Sunni / Deobandi. As a child, I used to go to Madrasah for 3 hours every weekday evening from about 5 until 14 or 15. In all honesty I'm a bit resentful of this because looking back I feel I could have spent the time so much better learning something better like an instrument or sport or just playing. My Islamic education was extensive enough though - I pretty much memorised the bahishti zewar. I can't remember what I thought of it back then but it pretty much depresses me now.
I prayed 5 times a day (no, 4. I made fajr up during the day...). I'd fast as well. Though, I never wore a scarf. I find it suffocating and so does my mum so I dodged a bullet there.
Not sure where it all went wrong. I think when I went to university it forced me to really introspect and think critically. I felt like I never really fit in with any group and I lacked hobbies or an identity apart from the religious one. That’s when the doubts started, and I started really questioning. I settled with Quranism for a while but realised you needed a lot of mental gymnastics for it to work. tbh I was afraid of losing faith completely though so I stayed away from non-muslims, haram things and tried my best to hold on. I was conflicted though - like I would feel so guilty when I missed a prayer and then I thought what's the point of even trying because supposedly if you miss one you burn in hell for like 50000 years anyway.
So, I've managed to get a life started i.e. moved out, got a steady job and I’m learning new things. I do feel terribly lonely though which I am working on slowly. I can't say I have many friends because they were all made along religious lines and I’m no longer in touch with my muslim friends. There's no one who truly knows me.
I feel it's time for me to 'come out' now to my parents as I can't take the guilt and lies anymore. I’ve stayed quiet for like 6 years now. But maybe my family relations are best left for another thread and time.
Sorry I’ve rambled on a bit as this is years of thoughts just tumbling out at once. It doesn’t adequately convey all the emotions and thoughts I've had but most of you will know how it all feels anyway. Thanks for reading.
Topic: My Story