Re: Hello again everyone..!
Reply #4 - May 23, 2009, 07:04 PM
Hello again Hassan
Its been a bit strange for me. Initially I moved out completely but after my mother started crying and crying for days and got ill in hospital I decided to come back. However I still 'live' in my flatt, I just go home late in the evenings , i.e I sleep at home. I work part time, and most of the time during the day at home, so I spend most of my days in my flat. My parents suspect I imagine but the idea in south asian families is you have to stay under the 'family/clan wing'. Its all a bit ridiculous really, but most of the time I am not at home, yet expected to be 'seen' to be at home i.e I sleep there. Many days though I just lie and say I have to go to a work conference or something and sleep their overnight. My flatmate is fine about it, and really understanding.
Beyond moving out, what it did do is shake my family a lot. My parents have loosened up more, and I go out more etc and come home later if need be without them hassling me. They are more cautious about 'expecting' me to do whatever they think I should do, knowing what could possibly result if they push me too much. All those times when I was told off for even coming home by nine, and had to worry if I went to any spiritual group etc, all those years they always made me very tense if I went to anything in the evening or even went anywhere during weekends, always wanting me to be as home as soon as possible...I took a lot of shit from them and shouting and abuse. Others could just relax and do their own thing, but no with Muslim Bangladeshi families they will hound you down so much, always worried about their fucked up image in the community..Most things happen in evenings and weekends, yet I can't go to any talks, meetings, groups etc without getting hassle from them to come back before the bluddy thing has started. For years they stifled me, and I could not pursue the spiritual practices I wanted to pursue. If you go out anywhere it must be for a few hours during the day, or ideally we have to go to stupid relatives houses. Its all so carefully controlled and contrived.
Other things in terms of bullying and abuse in the family and from relatives made my life hell their. Yet its all fine, as long as you can put a face in the community, thats all that matters...thats another story.
Yes I studied, I did a pHD but so what?For them to boast and just add another title to their name and increase my chances of getting a good marriage match.Most of the South Asian community just get titles and professions, make money and spend time wallowing in their community and its weird politics. There is not much ingenuity beyond getting titles and professions, very robotic people. This is what they call 'education'.
My parents have had to let go more and more, and they have seen what I am willing to do for my freedom. It has rocked their foundations. Indirectly therefore my life has significantly transformed, and the tense fear under which all my siblings lived under my father's authority has crumbling bit by bit. Now I go to these groups the way I want and most weekends spend time in my flat. Whether they like it or not they will have to accept my freedom. I don't regret my decision, I have dug a deep fissure in their fucked up culture...
Anyway pardon my language...
Marmalade-Lady
Topic: Hello again everyone..!