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Theme Changer

 Topic: Women making the first move?

 (Read 14282 times)
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #30 - June 01, 2009, 10:10 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on June 01, 2009, 09:50 AM
    But isn't that saying in it's own way that you aren't the best you, therefore not good enough as you are?

    Is the best me someone who wears a knee length skirt or someone who wears a short skirt?  I mean they are the exact same person.

    There are many different you's - there is the you buying stuff at the supermarket, the you at home, the you interacting with your kids etc.  If you've interacted with someone for only 30 minutes, you can only give them a snapshot of who you really are - that snapshot should be the real you - so what info can and should you convey?  The assistant in your local supermarket might have interacted with you for a cumulative 30 minutes - do they have any idea of the real you?  Is it possible to learn more in 30 minutes?


    Regarding the buying drinks bit:
    it's the same for guys - it's a bad way of starting a conversation with someone.  If  Bill Clinton walked into a room would you expect him to buy you a drink before you talked to him?  

    Quote
    Isn't this just general chit chat?  because if not it must appear that I am hitting on men and women all the time.

    For simply starting conversations - yes!  Congratulations, you've taken your first steps!
    It's how you take your conversations from there that is the thing...

  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #31 - June 01, 2009, 10:10 AM
    Quote from: awais on June 01, 2009, 10:05 AM
    Just chat him up. You must fancy him a bit to be so nervous about not wanting to fuck it up Smiley.


    Honestly, it's more of a sex thing.  Lol he has awesome tattoos and is taller than me, and I avoided talking to him last time I was there inspite of noticing him trying to get my attention.  I avoided talking to him because I really really really want to rip his clothes off, and I'm still not 100% sure I am ready for non commital sex.

    Now I'm like 70% leaning towards just doing it, and 30% still not sure.

    Hence an action plan that doesn't involve me attacking him straight away.  Cheesy
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #32 - June 01, 2009, 10:15 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 09:24 AM
    In an ironic way, use cheesy guy lines:
    "So do you come here often?"
    "what's your star sign?"
    "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
    "How you doin'?"


    The first line that ever worked for me was "Can you cook chicken?" to a girl in a launderette waiting for her wash cycle to end.  Relationship never worked though, think she was young and more interested that having a boyfriend on the end of her arm than anything more serious.
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #33 - June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 10:10 AM
    If  Bill Clinton walked into a room would you expect him to buy you a drink before you talked to him?

    I'd expect the reverse, you can't just walk up and talk to someone higher standing then you, you need to do something for them, unless you're crass. Tongue But why would I want to talk to Bill? Or you could be of the opinion that you're talking to them is doing something for them Smiley.
    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #34 - June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 10:15 AM
    The first line that ever worked for me was "Can you cook chicken?" to a girl in a launderette waiting for her wash cycle to end.  

    How'd the rest of that convo go?
    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #35 - June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    Quote
    Her name was Helen, and she was from Wales (and rather rotund, like most of the Helens I have ever known).  Anyway she was always quite brash & loud.  Her approach was switching the music on loud and jumping into my bed


     A smooth operator.   Cheesy
    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #36 - June 01, 2009, 10:17 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 10:09 AM
    Her name was Helen, and she was from Wales (and rather rotund, like most of the Helens I have ever known).  Anyway she was always quite brash & loud.  Her approach was switching the music on loud and jumping into my bed and I ended up leaving the room.  A less direct approach would be maintaining eye contact, staying in the vicinity and smiling - makes you look more approachable and how I met my previous girlfriend Camilla.


     Cheesy  I would never ever do something like that lol but hanging around smiling waiting for them to come over because you have made yourself seem approachable also doesn't sound appealing to me.  I would rather take the lead now tbh.

    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 10:10 AM
    There are many different you's - there is the you buying stuff at the supermarket, the you at home, the you interacting with your kids etc.  If you've interacted with someone for only 30 minutes, you can only give them a snapshot of who you really are - that snapshot should be the real you - so what info can and should you convey?  The assistant in your local supermarket might have interacted with you for a cumulative 30 minutes - do they have any idea of the real you?  Is it possible to learn more in 30 minutes?


    I guess for me because I don't honestly make a permanent snap decision about someone based on their appearance on original presentation, I find it hard to accept that others do.

    All my initial judgements on people are so minor, just like "maybe they don't have a bath at home, I wonder what's going on at home that would make this so", and they always have a seeking the story behind theme going on, which is why my judgements are so changeable.

    I know that (based on personality theory typing) there are a whole mass of people who do make broader more permanent judgements on people that bias all their future dealings with that person, but I'm not interested in those people whatsoever, my ex was one of them, screw that crap.

    So I think all in all I will wear what I want to wear, if I get an adverse reaction or judgement then I will punch the person in the face and move on.  Wink

     j/k..........sort of.  Cheesy

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #37 - June 01, 2009, 10:18 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 09:27 AM
    That is the correct attitude to have.  There is a truth in "be yourself" - the bit that isn't properly captured in that however is "be the best you".

     Afro
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #38 - June 01, 2009, 10:22 AM
    Quote from: awais on June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    How'd the rest of that convo go?

    You know what they say: kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #39 - June 01, 2009, 10:23 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 09:54 AM
    Just another comment on the psychology behind cheesy opening lines - and how that mirrors that behind buying drinks.  The reason cheesy opening lines are usually a bad idea as well is that they communicate the same "I am so beneath you that I have to buy you stuff to get you to talk to me"  - i.e. "I need to say something funny to you so that you'll talk to me".

    If you are using the cheesy opening lines the way I've said above, you should be aiming to (indirectly) communicate to the other person is "I'm a cool fun person - and I'm letting you join in the fun.  This is a test - if you pass it, I might talk to you some more"

    Hupla, you're an expert at this
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #40 - June 01, 2009, 10:25 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 01, 2009, 10:06 AM
    You don't give a damn about respecting him in the morning.  Afro

    Os, your 50% evil side is now showing  Wink
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #41 - June 01, 2009, 10:26 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 10:25 AM
    Os, your 50% evil side is now showing  Wink


    I got 99% evil lol that's why Os knows I didn't really care.  cool2
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #42 - June 01, 2009, 10:29 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 10:10 AM
    If  Bill Clinton walked into a room would you expect him to buy you a drink before you talked to him?  

    No, but at the least I am sure he would offer you a toke on his big fat cigar
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #43 - June 01, 2009, 10:35 AM
    Quote from: awais on June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    How'd the rest of that convo go?

    She asked why, so I told her I had just bought a whole chicken and did not have a clue as to what to do with it.  She started explaining, I listened and look confused.  She said let me show you how, I lived in an appartment upstairs and so did she. 

    We prepared the chicken, and then she came in the room, sat on my bed, listened to music and chatted until about midnight.  I liked her so I asked her out.  I still remember trying to ask the question with a huge gulp in my throat.  It took me three goes to pose the question.
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #44 - June 01, 2009, 10:48 AM
    Cool story Afro.
    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #45 - June 01, 2009, 10:53 AM
    Quote from: awais on June 01, 2009, 10:16 AM
    I'd expect the reverse, you can't just walk up and talk to someone higher standing then you, you need to do something for them, unless you're crass. Tongue

    That is exactly the point.  If you buy the drink you are communicating
    "you are important - I am not".
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #46 - June 01, 2009, 10:58 AM
    If it were some celebrity, then yes that would be true. Tongue But if it's at the local pub, maybe you think you're being classy by offering to pay for their drink? I'm talking out of my ass, I've never bought anyone a drink, or been bought one for me.
    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #47 - June 01, 2009, 10:59 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on June 01, 2009, 10:17 AM
    I guess for me because I don't honestly make a permanent snap decision about someone based on their appearance on original presentation, I find it hard to accept that others do.

    All my initial judgements on people are so minor, just like "maybe they don't have a bath at home, I wonder what's going on at home that would make this so", and they always have a seeking the story behind theme going on, which is why my judgements are so changeable.

    I think that everyone does to an extent make snap decisions (read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.  First impressions count.

    If you are offering a job and you get 100 applications and you have only 30 minutes for each interview, you aren't going to say "actually I think we can't make a snap decision based on this 30 minutes - let's give them all a couple of months to see which one is best".

  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #48 - June 01, 2009, 11:13 AM
    Quote from: hupla on June 01, 2009, 10:59 AM
    I think that everyone does to an extent make snap decisions (read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.  First impressions count.


    I don't read stuff that assumes all humans work under the same generalisation, that's like reading "The rules" or "men are from mars and women are from venus" and assuming it to be true to all.

    Like I said I get that many many people make very snap judgements that see them through the long haul, regardless of if their snap judgements are correct or not. Like I said, I am genuinelly not interested in getting to know someone who has this tendency within them.  Much as I am interested in hitting on someone for an experiment and future practise, it's still me sounding them out.  It's actually me interviewing them.  so.........P:

    Quote
    If you are offering a job and you get 100 applications and you have only 30 minutes for each interview, you aren't going to say "actually I think we can't make a snap decision based on this 30 minutes - let's give them all a couple of months to see which one is best".




    Is not me.

    I'm more likely to hire someone based on how they make me feel, although appearance would play a part it would not be the biggest factor by a long shot.  For one I am totally aware that sometimes people are down in the dumps in their life so might not be able to afford to attnd the job interview dressed as well as the person before who has money, or just because some girls got shocking pink hair she will be bad at her job.

    And again, I'm not trying to get them to like me, I;m not trying to play a part to snag a man, like I said, it's THEM on trial, not me lol.

    There is alot of focus I've noticed on how I need to portray myself and I am honestly quite surprised by it.

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #49 - June 01, 2009, 11:14 AM
    Quote
    A less direct approach would be maintaining eye contact, staying in the vicinity and smiling - makes you look more approachable and how I met my previous girlfriend Camilla.

    Quote from: BerberElla on June 01, 2009, 10:17 AM
    Cheesy  I would never ever do something like that lol but hanging around smiling waiting for them to come over because you have made yourself seem approachable also doesn't sound appealing to me.  I would rather take the lead now tbh.

    I dont mean stand there like a smiling mannequin, that would make you look dumb.  One smile or a meeting eye gaze will create an aura of approachability which makes it easier for less cocky men to approach you.
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #50 - June 01, 2009, 11:18 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 11:14 AM
    I dont mean stand there like a smiling mannequin, that would make you look dumb.  One smile or a meeting eye gaze will create an aura of approachability which makes it easier for less cocky men to approach you.


    Yes, but what I'm saying is I actually want to take the control away, I wish to instigate it myself.  Grab the bull by its horns and tame that beast.  Cheesy

    I just don't want the first step inwards to be one where the ball is his court.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #51 - June 01, 2009, 11:22 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on June 01, 2009, 11:18 AM
    Yes, but what I'm saying is I actually want to take the control away, I wish to instigate it myself.  Grab the bull by its horns and tame that beast.  Cheesy

    I just don't want the first step inwards to be one where the ball is his court.

    Go for it, it's quite easy to do.
    ~My story~
    ~Collection of unethical hadiths/surahs~
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #52 - June 01, 2009, 11:23 AM
    Do you want a relationship with a decent guy, or tame someone that is 'hard'?  I guess the approach is different, depending on what you are after.
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #53 - June 01, 2009, 11:23 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on June 01, 2009, 11:13 AM
    There is alot of focus I've noticed on how I need to portray myself and I am honestly quite surprised by it.

    It's because you're a girl. Another variation on the "wear a hijab" mentality.  Wink
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #54 - June 01, 2009, 11:24 AM
    I will, I just didn't think my clothes would come into question at the time since I dress good, slutty or not I know I have style.  dance

    Anyway in 2 weeks I will be able to make a post detailing me hitting on some guy, and his hilarious reactions.  Tongue
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #55 - June 01, 2009, 11:26 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 01, 2009, 11:23 AM
    It's because you're a girl. Another variation on the "wear a hijab" mentality.  Wink

    Not true, men also have to do it behave in a certain way depending on the type of girl they want.
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  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #56 - June 01, 2009, 11:27 AM
    Well you'd better get some practice in first. Start hitting on every guy you meet.  parrot
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #57 - June 01, 2009, 11:27 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 11:23 AM
    Do you want a relationship with a decent guy, or tame someone that is 'hard'?  I guess the approach is different, depending on what you are after.


    Obviously a relationship with a decent guy, but if a decent guy needs me to dress a certain way to be acceptable to him, or wait for him to make the first move by making myself seem approachable, then he is hardly a decent guy in my eyes.  If the choice is between a clothes judging decent guy and a hard guy, I'll go home and fondle myself.  cool2

    Quote from: osmanthus on June 01, 2009, 11:23 AM
    It's because you're a girl. Another variation on the "wear a hijab" mentality.  Wink


    Yes, that's very much what it sounds like.  Plus the part of me that is into mbti typing is now working on guessing the types of people who think the clothes matter as the traditionlist types.  Wink
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #58 - June 01, 2009, 11:28 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 01, 2009, 11:27 AM
    Well you'd better get some practice in first. Start hitting on every guy you meet.  parrot

    That might be a bad idea if she ends up getting a bad rep Tongue
    ~My story~
    ~Collection of unethical hadiths/surahs~
  • Re: Women making the first move?
     Reply #59 - June 01, 2009, 11:30 AM
    Quote from: IsLame on June 01, 2009, 11:26 AM
    Not true, men also have to do it behave in a certain way depending on the type of girl they want.


    Not so much, it's more about manners than it is about a mans clothes.  I'm just surprised that a forum of ex muslims, who know exactly how wrong it is to judge females on what they wear is actuully advocating that I consider what I am wearing at the time and make sure it not be too slutty because of the impression it will give out.  wacko

    I guess maybe the surprise should not be so great because of course it takes time and effort to learn to see the world in a different way.

    For me I am all about changing social conventions, they are stifling.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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