I'm so tired of feeling this way, I just want to be one of the shiny happy people holding hands instead of the loner that I have become.
It doesn't help that the court case has now gone so bizzarely wrong, or that apparantly my fear of retribution is probably a symptom of some adult psychosis that must be investigated (by court order). Talk about knock me right down back to this shit existance of tears and suicidal thoughts.
The abuse I suffered isn't reason enough, according to the court appointed psychiatrist, for me to feel this way, it's probably all in my head, so you can forget about any protective measures being put in place, instead I am to be left wide open, and I must have contact with the bastard who did this, I must have mediation with someone who just continues to lie and lie and lie. To what end? that we might learn to help each other with the kids better? fucking bollocks, I know him better than any court shrink, his nice " I only want to help" attitude is something I have seen, and it's bullshit, it is just an act. Why can't they see that?
Why can he lie under oath, be caught out and still be believed and taken as an honest man? How can all the evidence that proves him to be a violent man, be accepted as the truth yet rejected because he says he is a good man?
I feel like shit, I feel like there is no point even trying to grab control of my life because it means nothing, not when they are giving control back to him. Now when they are giving him permission to be a part of any of the decisions I have to make.
My son's behaviour disorder is impossible at times for me to control or deal with, yet because he behaves for 2 hours every 2 weeks for that bastard, they assume that somehow he would make a better parent. How can 2 hours every 2 weeks be the basis for the kind of decision?
I have had to look after the kids by myself and deal with my son myself even when I was married, when the school would call to come and collect him my ex would just sit on his lazy backside whilst I did the 30 minute walk back to the school, heavy with our second child, and carry my son back on whilst he attacked me, my ex had a car yet he wanted nothing to do with the hard stuff.
When I would be called in for meetings he would never attend, yet he claims I shut him out, it's total bullshit but the fuckers are falling for it.
When I had to attend hospital appointments, midwife appointments, smear tests, he would just sit at home and refuse to look after the kids so I would have to take them with me or cancel the appointments.
I made sure they had food to eat, that they were clean, well dressed, got to school on time. I did it all alone, I have been alone with them since the day they were born.
He just wanted to be the buddy, the one who had no rules, the one they like the most because he doesn't have set bed times, won't insist they eat their greens, gives them last nights pizza for breakfast, is it any wonder I seem like the ogre to the kids? do these people making these snap decisions even have kids?
I am sick to death of fighting a losing battle.
I had hoped like an idiot that this court case would force my ex to admit he had a problem, and to deal with it so that he could see his kids, but in the end they don't care. He says he has no problem, and they accept it, or more like they decide to overlook the fact finding case so that they can pretend he has no problem.
Of course I have issues, infact this order that my mental health be evaluated is like preaching to the choir, since I am on a waiting list already. No order needed to make me be honest with myself, I have always been asking for the right kind of help. It's easy for them to look at my issues because I am such an open book, I go to the doctors and ask for help to deal with my rages, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, so they have a history to examine for me. But of course he wouldn't ever admit the truth about his psychotic side, because he doesn't see that he has one.
If he hit me, it was because I deserved it. I might have laughed in my sleep, so it's fair that he strangled me whilst I was sleeping. I just over reacted when I woke up struggling to breathe, I really shouldn't have laughed in my sleep, it was rude.
But that's not psychotic right?
The only thing my time in court has taught me, is that honesty is not the best policy, it never is.
Topic: Berbs Blog, much madness within