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Theme Changer

 Topic: Marriage

 (Read 20119 times)
  • 12 3 4 Next page « Previous thread | Next thread »
  • Marriage
     OP - June 02, 2010, 12:12 AM
    I know I'm young and I shouldn't really think about marriage per say but I'll be entering my 20s soon and before you know it, I'd want to get married.

    I debate myself from time to time telling myself I'll never get married since most marriages don't last long any ways. I don't want to end up divorced so I just want to avoid it altogether. I felt this way when I was a Muslim as well but I remember hearing from imams and such that marriage is almost mandatory. It's kind of hard to explain it but I'm sure some of you would understand what the imams was saying.

    So now... as an ex muslim, i can marry whoever I want in the future but I actually no for a fact that that man won't be a Muslim. If he's an ex muslim, I'm fine with that... but a Muslim? I don't want to take the chances. I pretty much know that my family will disapprove and all that.

    I don't even have anyone in mind... this is almost just a rant for the mere future. I don't know...
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #1 - June 02, 2010, 12:22 AM
    Try not to worry about it right now. Focus on your school, get a good education, have fun with your friends, make new friends, travel, learn, laugh. When you meet the right person, if there are conflicts with your family, you will have a partner to help you work through them. Life can be hard at times, no use worrying about things that aren't happening yet. You're 18, at that age, marriage was the last thing on my mind. One tip: when/if your family start pressuring you to get married, just use your education and work as a barrier to hold off that pressure. You're a US citizen, right? Nobody can force you into marrying anyone you don't want to marry. Just don't get stuck in KSA or some such, like some women have been.
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #2 - June 02, 2010, 12:37 AM
    Well i'm 27 and still not married. Anyways, why dont you just hook up with some of these ex-muslims guys on this forum?  I'm sure there will be more by next year.  On an average we have someone join this forum at least once a week or so and you still have years to go.  But you're really young so you shouldnt worry about this kinda stuff now.  I on the other hand....
    "A good man is so hard to find but a hard man is so good to find"
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #3 - June 02, 2010, 01:01 AM
    yeah yeah you're young but some of us think of this stuff Tongue.


    I think marraige is over-rated but that's probably because of my distaste for religion. However, I agree with Allat. Thats what i've decided to do. I think as an ex-muslim woman its difficult to balance both family and the desire for a relationship they'd approve of.

    Question: do you plan on coming out to your parents as an atheist? Are they liberal enough that they would accept it with maybe a little fuss, or would they disown you or simply be very vehement in wanting you to revert to Islam? You need to consider these things in the long run. But for now, just live, breathe and it will fall into place. I know its hard not to think of it but you'll find a balance between being prepared and just being in the now, today...the moment.
    "If intelligence is feminine... I would want that mine would, in a resolute movement, come to resemble an impious woman."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #4 - June 02, 2010, 01:05 AM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:22 AM
    Try not to worry about it right now. Focus on your school, get a good education, have fun with your friends, make new friends, travel, learn, laugh. When you meet the right person, if there are conflicts with your family, you will have a partner to help you work through them. Life can be hard at times, no use worrying about things that aren't happening yet. You're 18, at that age, marriage was the last thing on my mind. One tip: when/if your family start pressuring you to get married, just use your education and work as a barrier to hold off that pressure. You're a US citizen, right? Nobody can force you into marrying anyone you don't want to marry. Just don't get stuck in KSA or some such, like some women have been.


    +1

    This.

    Just enjoy your life. You are still young, I think a bit too young to be married (20, 21). I'm 20 and I am not even thinking about marriage yet. I come from a kaafir background, but from my culture, they marry very young as well, so in 2-3 years I will hear "son, why are you not married yet"
    "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself."
    ~Sir Richard Francis Burton

    "I think religion is just like smoking: Both invented by people, addictive, harmful, and kills!"
    ~RIBS
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #5 - June 02, 2010, 01:38 AM
    It is harder for ex-muslim women, that's why maybe there are so few of us (openly). Most of the challenges are similar, but we get the marriage pressures from relatives, whether in the west or not, at an earlier age (usually) and more intensely.... some muslim women (arguably qualifying to be heretical/apostatized/liberal/unorthodox) are attacked by their family members even in the west, like Aqsa Parvez (Canada), Shahida Perveen Mohammed (UK), Samaira Nazir (UK), Sandeela Kanwal (USA), Ghazala Khan (Denmark), even Saudi Princesses.
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #6 - June 02, 2010, 02:07 AM
    Party in the USA!

    Yea i think about marriage too. 3 of my friends are already getting married. interesting times coming up ahead Smiley

    Allat u single?
    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #7 - June 02, 2010, 02:10 AM
    Pretty much.
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #8 - June 02, 2010, 02:13 AM
    Maybe we need to start up an ex-Muslim dating website. dance
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #9 - June 02, 2010, 02:16 AM
    I have thought of that before too. Would be an interesting and much needed venture. Stupid security concerns make me wary everytime...
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #10 - June 02, 2010, 02:25 AM
    Quote from: Abood on June 02, 2010, 02:13 AM
    Maybe we need to start up an ex-Muslim dating website. dance


    probably would work very well. there are tonnes of closeted ex muslims out there. probably would be hard to post an honest profile though. u would not want your mom finding out Smiley
    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #11 - June 02, 2010, 02:26 AM
    dang :(  feel free to refer any friends how ever  Afro
    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #12 - June 02, 2010, 02:38 AM
    Quote from: canex on June 02, 2010, 02:26 AM
    dang :(  feel free to refer any friends how ever  Afro


    I'll keep that in mind Wink
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #13 - June 02, 2010, 05:11 AM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:22 AM
    Try not to worry about it right now. Focus on your school, get a good education, have fun with your friends, make new friends, travel, learn, laugh. When you meet the right person, if there are conflicts with your family, you will have a partner to help you work through them. Life can be hard at times, no use worrying about things that aren't happening yet. You're 18, at that age, marriage was the last thing on my mind. One tip: when/if your family start pressuring you to get married, just use your education and work as a barrier to hold off that pressure. You're a US citizen, right? Nobody can force you into marrying anyone you don't want to marry. Just don't get stuck in KSA or some such, like some women have been.


    You are completely right hence why I said I don't even know why I'm thinking about all of this when I'm 18. I'm just scared of my future to be honest. I just want to be safe and happy. I don't want to end up marrying someone I have no connection with whatsoever and I know what my family would want from me is not what I want. So it seems like being unmarried forever if the answer which is what I want... and don't want... and want...  lipsrsealed

    I'm definitely focusing on life right now - education, trying to live my childhood before it fades away too fast, getting s job, etc. My parents are not pressuring me but I always, always dodge the whole marriage thing and make it very clear that I never want to get married (not wanting them to be involved in MY choices). I am a US citizen and I'm overly thankful for that. I was suppose to go to Saudi this summer but purposely didn't visit because I didn't want a surprise marriage proposal and all. I know cases of that.

    God, I'm screwed.

    But yes, I'll just focus on education and life now. Love and all that can wait.

    Thank you so much... I really can't talk about this with anyone but though I don't even know you, your replies do help.  far away hug
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #14 - June 02, 2010, 07:41 AM
    Just to echo what some other people have already said, enjoy your time in the present and if it happens, it happens.

    Personally, I've never really had much time for the institution of marriage, although can see how it can be practically useful (in the appeasement of people's family and society) and therefore take a pragmatic approach to it. Try to bear in mind that each person and every relationship is different in respect to how you feel and where it takes you. If you meet someone who you feel you want to marry and they feel the same, then great. Conversely, your feelings on marriage could change in a few years and it might be the last thing on your mind.

    No need to rush; just explore and let things unfold as they do, at their own pace. That sense of happinness and fulfilliment can take many forms.
    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #15 - June 02, 2010, 10:42 AM
    Yee, at the minute just focus on meeting people etc. Me and my boyfriend been going out 1 yr 5 months, and we have talked about Marriage for purely logistical reasons, like talking bout children's religion and how to deal with his family. This is not cos we planning it yet, noo way we having a whale of a time being BF and GF, but cos we thought we needed to talk about such stuff early on in the relationship just in case it turned serious. If he hadn't come from a Muslim household, there is no way that stuff would come up at this stage. But ya, think about it, but don't get yourself too bogged down.
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #16 - June 02, 2010, 11:38 AM
    I can understand your concerns DarkEyed9.
    Much of the problem comes because religious Muslim parents put their sons/daughters under pressure to get married or in fact, look for a suitable spouse for them once they approach 20ish.  For females, they are much more controlling.  For secret apostates, this is exactly what you don't want.  So the trick is, to get as independent as possible and find a partner yourself, and hope they will be happy about it.  It will be burden off their back, so they might not mind.  And even then, you don't have to tell them about your apostasy.
    "Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

    Baloney Detection Kit
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #17 - June 02, 2010, 11:52 AM
    Quote from: Abood on June 02, 2010, 02:13 AM
    Maybe we need to start up an ex-Muslim dating website. dance


    Hell yeah!  I'm game.  Would NEVER marry a Muslim again but boy, do I like those brown boys with the big, dark eyes!  Phwoar

    Actually, I don't think I'll EVER get married again... too much hassle.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #18 - June 02, 2010, 11:56 AM
    Darkeyed9;

    Remember, you are an American Citizen,  make sure you know where your passport is and NEVER let anyone else get their hands on it, especially your parents.  As long as you remain on US soil they cannot force you to get hitched to anyone against your will.  I'm gonna be a little  parrot and echo what others have already said.  Focus on your studies and try to have as much of a good time while you're still young.  Wink
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #19 - June 02, 2010, 12:00 PM
    Quote from: Lilyesque on June 02, 2010, 10:42 AM
    If he hadn't come from a Muslim household, there is no way that stuff would come up at this stage.

    I can relate to what you're saying there. Even though we were both very unsure about religion by the time we were ready to cohabitate, the only options availalbe were to elope together or attempt to force her family to accept me as a suitor. Neither of us could reject her family in good conscience without at least giving them the choice, so I set about presenting myself as a marriage suitor in the best way I was able to at the time. It took a lot of effort and some difficult negotiation but I'm glad to say that it worked out well, as Pariah still maintains good relations with (most of) her family, as do I.

    Although we're happy to be married, if it hadn't been presented as the only reasonable way to break through a roadblock in the progression of our relationship, I dare say we'd be just as happily living together now, minus the dent in our wallets.  hugs
    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #20 - June 02, 2010, 12:03 PM
    Quote from: Nour on June 02, 2010, 11:52 AM
    Hell yeah!  I'm game.  Would NEVER marry a Muslim again but boy, do I like those brown boys with the big, dark eyes!  Phwoar

    Actually, I don't think I'll EVER get married again... too much hassle.

    Someone needs to do a homepage mock-up of murtadmatch.com with profiles including our ninja pics.  Cheesy
    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #21 - June 02, 2010, 12:04 PM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 02:10 AM
    not a fan of the institution of marriage.

    Me neither, after apostasy that is.  There is no longer any religious reason to get 'married'.  Just get into a long term relationship and live happily ever after. 001_wub Kiss
    Plus, weddings scare me.  Too many people, and people scare me. hiding



    Quote from: Nour on June 02, 2010, 11:52 AM
    Hell yeah!  I'm game.  Would NEVER marry a Muslim again but boy, do I like those brown boys with the big, dark eyes!  Phwoar

    Marry me. Tongue  (Oh, I meant: get into an LTR with me.)
    "Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

    Baloney Detection Kit
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #22 - June 02, 2010, 12:33 PM
    I'm not against other people getting married if they want to - I just don't like how it's considered a requirement. It's irrelevant to love or to a happy life with your loved one. Marriage has changed a lot over time, and is still very different in different cultures. There's no reason marriage should be endowed with special rights by the government. What the heck does the government have to say about who you love or live with, when, where, how and why.

    Besides, marriage often becomes an obligation - people get lazy and then it becomes about staying together because you *have* to, not because you want to. Plus with so many divorces and remarriages, I just don't see the point of this outdated institution. It's mostly all the fairy tales of culture (from movies to songs to children's stories) that glorify what is essentially a business contract with sex as a conditional requirement.

    That said, I do like weddings (other people's)  Wink
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #23 - June 02, 2010, 12:47 PM
    Just to add, I realize as I get older that many/most people just get married to appease older family members.
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #24 - June 02, 2010, 12:53 PM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:33 PM
    I'm not against other people getting married if they want to - I just don't like how it's considered a requirement. It's irrelevant to love or to a happy life with your loved one. Marriage has changed a lot over time, and is still very different in different cultures. There's no reason marriage should be endowed with special rights by the government. What the heck does the government have to say about who I screw, or who I live with, when, where, how and why. In Canada, common-law partnerships have all the same rights and responsibilities, taxes-wise, immigration-wise, financially etc., so that's enough for me, and I just don't like the idea of getting into a relationship that has to be sanctified in front of anyone but my partner(s). If we want to be together, we'll work our shit out, nobody else needs to stamp an approval on my relationship. Besides, marriage often becomes an obligation - people get lazy and then it becomes about staying together because you *have* to, not because you want to. Plus with so many divorces and remarriages, I just don't see the point of this outdated institution. It's mostly all the fairy tales of culture (from movies to songs to children's stories) that glorify what is essentially a business contract with sex as a conditional requirement.

    Bingo.

    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:33 PM
    That said, I do like weddings (other people's)  Wink

    Mmm, wedding food. om nom nom...
    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #25 - June 02, 2010, 01:03 PM
    Quote from: thinkfree on June 02, 2010, 12:53 PM
    Mmm, wedding food. om nom nom...


    You read my mind! dance
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #26 - June 02, 2010, 01:23 PM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:33 PM
    I'm not against other people getting married if they want to - I just don't like how it's considered a requirement. It's irrelevant to love or to a happy life with your loved one.

    I too am not against other people getting married.  Some people find that it strengthens the bond between them and shows greater commitment.  Good for them.
    But as a secular humanist and nonconformist, I personally am not desperate to get married.
    "Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

    Baloney Detection Kit
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #27 - June 02, 2010, 01:25 PM
    @DARKEYED9 : I agree with what others have said.
    @allat: Interesting points indeed. I haven't looked at it that way before.
    Hear ye -->> DONATE TO CEMB

    Relativism | Cognitive dissonance | Cognitive biases | Memeplex | Consequentialism
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #28 - June 02, 2010, 02:58 PM
    Quote from: allat on June 02, 2010, 12:33 PM
    immigration-wise, financially etc., so that's enough for me, and I just don't like the idea of getting into a relationship that has to be sanctified in front


    Really? If a person wants to bring their partner over from another country, they don't have to get married so that the partner is granted a residence permit?
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • Re: Marriage
     Reply #29 - June 02, 2010, 03:07 PM
    ^Strictly speaking one does not have to be married to his/her partner in order for them to be given EU family permit and residence permit later on/
    What one has to show thought is a committed relationship. Good luck in trying to prove that without the marriage certificate though.
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