To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?

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- harakaat
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To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
OP - June 12, 2011, 09:34 PM

Not sure if this is the right place to put this topic.

Anyway, I've noticed a recurring theme in many of our threads here. The question of whether to pretend to be a Muslim and live (supposedly) happily ever after with your family (while suffering inside) or being honest with yourself and with others, leaving your family if need be, and living your own life.

Of course, somewhat more importantly perhaps, there's the question of whether one indeed *should* tell their family about their decision to apostatize (if you can call it a "decision").

So, after all the discussions, advice and experience all of you have read, participated in, given and lived through, in general, do you think one should tell their family they're no longer Muslim? If so, and the shit hits the fan, should they give in to their family's emotional blackmail and pretend to go back to Islam (or live by the restrictions of the family, eg. don't tell others, don't drink, don't have sex), or should they stand firm, tell their family to either accept them or say goodbye to them?

قل للمليحة في الخمار الأسود
مـاذا فـعــلت بــناسـك مـتـعـبد

قـد كـان شـمّر لــلـصلاة ثـيابه
حتى خـطرت له بباب المسجد

ردي عليـه صـلاتـه وصيـامــه
لا تـقــتـلــيه بـحـق ديــن محمد
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #1 - June 12, 2011, 09:40 PM

I try not to generalize unless i'm generalizing.

Tell once it doesn't feel like heavy weight on you that you're an apostate. you'll have more room to deal with family behavior should they freak out.

I felt the strong need to blurt it out at first and let myself be known. Glad i didn't. but my situation is not like everyone else's.

"Tomorrow is the today you were worried about yesterday" Unknown
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #2 - June 12, 2011, 10:27 PM

Cunning Linguist, (my favorite kind of linguist )

Well, I currently can't. It would be very stupid of me to do so right now.

Of course, I feel such a strong urge to blurt it out. Especially since it's still kind of new to me (officially).

I think the general consensus is that tell it if you feel the need to (ie. if you're going insane and can't stand the double life anymore, and if you've been rational about it and are in good position to be able to tell, then take the risk) ..... Otherwise, if it may do more damage to tell than not to (to you and/or others), then you shouldn't.

Everyone has such a unique situation though. Everyone's family is different too.. and their relationships to their family.

Rather be forgotten than remembered for giving in.
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #3 - June 12, 2011, 11:19 PM

Quote from: hopeintheair on June 12, 2011, 10:27 PM
I think the general consensus is that tell it if you feel the need to (ie. if you're going insane and can't stand the double life anymore, and if you've been rational about it and are in good position to be able to tell, then take the risk) ..... Otherwise, if it may do more damage to tell than not to (to you and/or others), then you shouldn't.

Everyone has such a unique situation though. Everyone's family is different too.. and their relationships to their family.

+1 to what she said. ^

"Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #4 - June 12, 2011, 11:34 PM

Quote from: harakaat on June 12, 2011, 09:34 PM
Not sure if this is the right place to put this topic.

Anyway, I've noticed a recurring theme in many of our threads here. The question of whether to pretend to be a Muslim and live (supposedly) happily ever after with your family (while suffering inside) or being honest with yourself and with others, leaving your family if need be, and living your own life.

Of course, somewhat more importantly perhaps, there's the question of whether one indeed *should* tell their family about their decision to apostatize (if you can call it a "decision").

So, after all the discussions, advice and experience all of you have read, participated in, given and lived through, in general, do you think one should tell their family they're no longer Muslim? If so, and the shit hits the fan, should they give in to their family's emotional blackmail and pretend to go back to Islam (or live by the restrictions of the family, eg. don't tell others, don't drink, don't have sex), or should they stand firm, tell their family to either accept them or say goodbye to them?

no don't do it unless you want your head attached to your body or you live in an "Agnaby" country

otherwise don't be mad

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[13:37] <Fimbles> is wacko
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #5 - June 12, 2011, 11:39 PM

Haven't been in that situation, but I imagine it depends on several factors:

Open-mindedness of the family
Your own emotional state
How (financially or otherwise) dependent you are on them, or vice versa.

Have you heard the good news? There is no God!
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #6 - June 12, 2011, 11:54 PM
^ Nicely summarised.

I would add that it is not just about your safety and/or freedom, but also (for compassion's sake) telling your parents that you are an apostate should perhaps be avoided if it is not necessary, since it will break their hearts to think that you will burn in hell forever.

Here's a post of mine from an old thread:

Quote from: ateapotist on November 17, 2010, 05:16 PM
It's fascinating to see how different apostates deal with their family. I don't like telling people what to do, and for something as big as family troubles, I'd prefer not to get involved. We can only give advice (from our experiences) about the pros and cons of telling your parents or partner about your apostasy. But ultimately the decision is yours.

Here's what I have noticed during my time on this forum:
- There are some who couldn't stand the controls anymore and told their family and it did not go down too well, but they expected it and are willing to pay this short-to-medium term price for their freedom.
- There are some who enjoy a fair amount of freedom already because they are independent, or live far from family, or have liberal parents.
  Some of these have decided that there is no need to tell their parents so as not to break their hearts,
  and some have decided to tell them for honesty sake, and to further the cause of ex-Muslims etc.
- Some are too young and still financially (and emotionally) dependent on their parents, so they must suck it up and remain in the closet about their apostasy.
- Some are married to Muslim spouses and remain in the closet for the sake of the marriage and kids.
- Some dare not tell anyone because they live in a Muslim country or the Muslims in their area are too radical and could attack them.
Aside from family troubles or the fear factor, I think apostates can and do cause enormous damage to Islam even if they are not open about their apostasy. They secretly spread a more liberal/progressive form of Islam and instil doubts in the minds of Muslims. The open apostates are useful too for the purpose of breaking the taboo of apostasy and reminding Muslims that apostates of Islam are not a myth. They are *real* and not baby-eating monsters. They can be decent like IsLame and Hassan. Oh, wait...
"Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #7 - June 13, 2011, 01:38 AM

I agree with teapot. Telling your parents can have as much as a negative affect on them as it does on you.
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #8 - June 13, 2011, 07:54 AM

Quote from: harakaat on June 12, 2011, 09:34 PM
So, after all the discussions, advice and experience all of you have read, participated in, given and lived through, in general, do you think one should tell their family they're no longer Muslim? If so, and the shit hits the fan, should they give in to their family's emotional blackmail and pretend to go back to Islam (or live by the restrictions of the family, eg. don't tell others, don't drink, don't have sex), or should they stand firm, tell their family to either accept them or say goodbye to them?

There are alot of variables to factor in (many stated in above posts) so there isn't a universal answer that applies to everyone.
Personally, If I was pretending to be a muslim....well, it wouldn't happen because I wouldn't pretend despite who I lost.
My perspective is that if I can lose someone over anything that hasn't purposely caused them harm, then they were not worth having in the first place, the mere fact that I happen to share a biological connection with them alters nothing.
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Re: To tell or not to tell? To pretend or not to pretend?
Reply #9 - June 13, 2011, 09:58 AM

As far as my own situation is concerned:

- As long as I live under their roof, I'm not telling them. I am very sorely tempted to, at times, and I'm tired of pretending to pray and all that, but there's no way for me to predict their reaction (especially since my mother is growing more devout by the hour, she who used to be a very open-minded woman, I heard her yesterday try to justify making an 8 year-old wear the hijab to "get her used to it") so for my own safety, I'm keeping mum on the subject.

- Once I've moved out, I probably will not tell them either. I'm hoping I'd be well out of their reach when I do, and since it's so important for them, I don't want to destroy them with the feeling that they failed as parents and that their child is going to burn in hell for eternity. Their beliefs won't affect my life then, so why would I do it? Of course I'm not ruling it out entirely. Time will tell.

He's no friend to the friendless
And he's the mother of grief
There's only sorrow for tomorrow
Surely life is too brief
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