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 Topic: I'm an "ex future convert".

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  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     OP - February 10, 2013, 06:29 PM

    It may seem weird, but I consider myself as an "ex future convert" since I almost converted to islam. So I will tell you my almost-conversion story and how I escaped it and finally didn't convert  dance

    So first of all I was born in a non-practicing christian family and I am a French speaker canadian (yes, I live in the province of Quebec). I am 17 and I spent most of my life in the countryside, where there was no mosque and no muslims. Actually, there were only white French speaking people and you would only see two or three immigrants/adopted children. It was not multicultural at all. When I was 14 I moved to Montreal to live with the aunt of my mother and her husband, who are practicing christians (evangelists and protestants). When I arrived to Montreal I was surprized to see so much immigrants of all possible ethnic and religious backgrounds, including hindus, sikhs, muslims, etc. However I was not so much interested into religions, I was strongly agnostic and thought that if God existed, he would do whatever he want with me so I wasn't trying to change my destiny.

    Now, how I came to know islam... it always feels strange when I talk about it because when I was 16, I made two dreams which marked me. I received, in those dreams, what my muslim contacts would call "signs from God" or "clear proofs of the varacity of islam"  wacko

    The first dream was that I saw my mother (non-practicing christian) on the ground while I was sat on a chair. My mother seemed to suffer and was somehow being "aspirated" by the floor. She burned me with a lighter and screamed to me "C'EST LE NUMÉRO 171 !" (English : "This is the number 171 !"). I'll come back to this dream later on.

    In the second dream, I was walking slowly and hesitantly in direction of a fire, searching for someone without being sure who I was searching for. I saw a guy running out of this fire, a guy whom I didn't know. The guy passed in front of me, turned back, made a step in my direction, took my hand and told me to follow him. I refused with hesitation, he pulled me softly, I took off my hand from his hand. I then looked at him and I wanted to say his name. The strange thing is that in my dream I somehow knew him, without knowing him in reality... I finally woke up before I could say his name because I realized that I didn't know it.

    A few weeks after those two dreams, I was in an internet francophone website, a kind of 3D tchat. Something was telling me that I HAD TO meet or meet back someone on that website, that this "someone" would change my way of thinking and that this "someone" would be 14 years old (I was 16). It was what you could call a feeling, a presentiment, a strong and deep impression. I "knew" I would meet or meet again that person even though I refused to admit it to myself, because it seemed too weird...

    December 2011, I met (or rather met back) that person on that website. He was indeed 14, and I knew him by reputation since I frequented that website for years and that he was well known for being an annoying person, someone who would do anything to upset the moderators, etc. Anyways, we began to talk together everyday (for me he was not annoying  Roll Eyes ). He began to talk to me about Islam, I asked a few questions to see if it was any different from Christianity and he explained me the basis. When I saw a few pictures of him, something struck me : he looked exactly like that guy in my dream who was running out of the fire ...

    Days and weeks passed by, we became closer, and he confessed to me that he had been a sorcerer/wizard, that this practice is forbidden in Islam and that one day when he wanted to move away from that, the first thing that came out of his mouth was "God convert me to Islam" (he is born in a muslim family but was not a practicing muslim). I was shocked... I couldn't help but making links with my second dream : the guy that I knew but didn't knew was him (and I, in fact, knew him by name and reputation without knowing him in reality), he was in the fire because he was a sorcerer and he ran out of it because he came to Islam, he then took my hand to invite me to Islam... etc.

    Now I come back to my first dream. As I made searches about Islam throughout the year 2012, I came across many, many youtube videos of converts, videos about the quran and so on. One of those videos shown me the verse 4:171 of the quran.
    Quote
    O People of the Scripture, do not commit excess in your religion or say about Allah except the truth. The Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, was but a messenger of Allah and His word which He directed to Mary and a soul [created at a command] from Him. So believe in Allah and His messengers. And do not say, "Three"; desist - it is better for you. Indeed, Allah is but one God. Exalted is He above having a son. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs.

    I cried. I remembered my dream, my christian mother screaming "c'est le numéro 171" (this is the number 171). I noticed my mother has said four words, followed by the number 171. 4:171. This verse was talking directly to Christians, like my mother. This verse was telling my mother that she'd go to hell, and in fact in my first dream it seemed like it. She transmitted me her religion, just as in my dream she transmitted me the fire of the lighter...
    Quote
    We will show them Our signs in the horizons and within themselves until it becomes clear to them that it is the truth. But is it not sufficient concerning your Lord that He is, over all things, a Witness?

    When I saw this verse during my research about Islam, it was too much for me... I began to think that if I was not willing to accept any religion, not even Islam, something was probably wrong with me. Was it the devil tricking me? Was it because I deserved to go to hell anyway? Was it because I was arrogant towards God? I continued my research... why wasn't I becoming a muslim yet? Was it because I feared the reaction of my christian family? Was it because I would have to change my name? (Not that I thought every convert must change his/her name... but in my case my name is actually blasphemous, and I saw that a muslim can't have a blasphemous name. My name is Jézabel, (French version of Jezebel) and according to some christian sites it means "Baal is the god"... quite ironic since I was baptized Catholic Afro)

    Anyways... I stayed like that for a certain time, considering myself a "probably future convert", a "refouled muslima", etc. If I was to convert, I wanted to change my name first, which would take time. I also had many muslim contacts which would push me harder into the deen, and people like Zakir Naik or Yusuf Estes were almost my heros, and just to convince myself (or to self-indoctrinate myself, should I say), I would watch things like The Signs, islamic lectures etc. For the sake of objectivity, I would also go to some atheist or anti-islamic sites, but I would either get frustrated by the arguments, ignore them or search a refutation on an islamic website. It lasted until a month ago, when I saw a French translation of the video "Three stages of jihad" by David Wood which you can easily find on youtube. This was the final shot. I couldn't refute that. It seemed so logic, true and obvious, even though I didn't take it as being The Truth, but rather as being a clarification to why is Islam so different in the East and in the West. I couldn't accept anymore the western islamic propaganda "islam religion-of-peace". I also began to read the quran in French without considering right away that it is God's words, and the most I read it, the most I realize it CAN'T be God's words. God couldn't hate jews when he supposedly chose them. God couldn't hate all non-muslims and call them liars, criminals, unjust, perverts and, most of all, he couldn't dehumanize non-muslims by saying that they are worse then livestock (quran 7:179). The islamic conception of God doesn't correspond to a "Most Merciful" god.

    Now, I'm kind of alternatively atheist/deist, but I wouldn't call myself an agnostic since it depends on the definition of "god" rather than on the wondering if god(s) exist or not. But most of the time, if asking my beliefs I just answer that I'm a Human Being, that all humans are my brothers and sisters in Humanity and that those religious labels are just a way to divide each others.

    I think I have been saved from Islam just at the right time, because I was beginning to think like a muslim and I was thinking to convert just so I could share my conversion story and the "signs of God" that I received  whistling2

    I must admit that if sometimes I slightly doubt my non-faith, it's because of those dreams I made and the experience I had with the guy who introduced me to Islam. The fact that I "knew" I "had to" meet him again. The fact that those dreams made some kind of sense to me after connecting them to Islam, the fact that in a dream I saw the muslim guy running out of the fire as in reality he was a sorcerer, the fact that I was hesitantly walking in the fire when he pulled me in the other direction (which I associated with Islam), etc.

    It would be appreciated if you could bring rational arguments against that. Smiley
    I know islamic rules, dogmas and rituals make no sense, I'm slowly healing myself from that religious illness, and I've always been an intelligent girl, but it's still a bit hard to get rid of this "signs of God" thing.
     thnkyu
    (and sorry for the extreme length of my post)

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #1 - February 10, 2013, 06:43 PM

    What an interesting intro. Really enjoyed reading it. Thank you, and welcome to the forum  Smiley

    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #2 - February 10, 2013, 07:06 PM

    Thank you billy ! Smiley

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #3 - February 10, 2013, 07:14 PM

    Amazing. I don't think I have a rational explanation for those dreams Tongue Dreams are just dreams, and they will always be subjective. Your individual experiences are different, just like everyone else's.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #4 - February 10, 2013, 07:22 PM

    Hi kutta, thank you. I think you are right, and also I saw some muslims convert to Christianity because of such dreams... so it doesn't prove the validity of Islam, Christianity, or any other religion. However some muslims will still continue to say "subhanallah", "allahu akbar" or "masha allah" when exposed to such "signs". For them those little "signs" are most important than the validity of their dogmas. :/

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #5 - February 10, 2013, 07:36 PM

    Welcome  parrot Wow that's quite a coincidence. Dreams are dreams, I had a dream of going to hell, through a portal in a church and in hell the floor was made of preschool play mats, run by gnomes and the grim reaper helped me escape and was actually a pretty cool guy (true dream not even kidding). But by no means am I going to take as a divine sign, because it's stupid. 
    THANK GOD, you actually read the Quran. Most converts just watch the sugar coated videos and convert, and never once read the whole Quran in their lives or even acknowledging the dark side. Converts that don't understand the full Islam give fuel to the ones that use that as an excuse that Islam is true and then move forward to impose a more strict version of it. "Look at all these white women that are converting Islam and want to wear the hijab proof it must be true! Let's start trying to get Shariah law in as well Roll Eyes  Anyways welcome.

    ***~Church is where bad people go to hide~***
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #6 - February 10, 2013, 07:55 PM

    Crunchy Cds, thank you. Your dream is so funny.  grin12 And yes that's right, muslims will always use conversions as a "proof" that they're right. The most shocking/funny is when they use some pseudo-scientist who supposedly converted to Islam, or a priest, or a famous actor/singer who converted. Sometimes they even use some random historical character and say "oh look this person converted before his death", when we have no proofs. And they don't seem to have any better arguments.

    Quote
    THANK GOD, you actually read the Quran. Most converts just watch the sugar coated videos and convert, and never once read the whole Quran in their lives or even acknowledging the dark side.

    Not only the converts. During 2012 I lost contact with the muslim guy I was talking about, ironically he re-contacted me a few days after I decided I wouldn't convert. He told me I should "study Islam again" because I was "full of prejudices" and that my "speech is absurd". I told him I began to read the quran and that he should do the same, he answered : "No", "I don't want to influence myself with false arguments which could divert me from Islam" and then "I know that Islam is true, if I want proofs I have many ... I don't want to influence myself and take the risk to mislead myself" (I translate literally.) In my head, I was like  Huh? you don't want to read to quran because it could take you away from Islam?
    Well, he made a point...Cheesy

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #7 - February 10, 2013, 08:02 PM

    LOL lluvia, btw i love quebec. I went there for vacation and it was so awesome, especially Montreal and Quebec city!! It's too bad those cities are ever heard of in the news, except Montreal.

    Anyways, I agree with crunchy cds, I remember having weird dreams against Islam too, or atleast as far as I remember.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #8 - February 10, 2013, 08:14 PM

    It's nice to hear it kutta. Smiley I like my province too (and my country but we "Québécois" mostly identify to our province Tongue), and I think I'm very lucky to live here!

    I also remember reading a post of a member of this forum in which he has stole the key of hell in his dream..  grin12

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #9 - February 10, 2013, 08:15 PM

    Interesting dreams. Many verses in the quran deal with the subject matter of 4:171 so I don't think the connection is at all miraculous. Also, the ordering and structure of the quran are not really apart of the original quran but were determined decades after the death of mohammad.

    As for the other one, that's pretty interesting. Are you sure of all the details? Sometimes we retroactively change information in dreams without even knowing it. It's possible as you were in your state interpreting these dreams, information coming in such as seeing the guys face mixed with the hazy details of the dream and presto, we have your experience.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #10 - February 10, 2013, 08:50 PM

    Yes RecRoom, according to my research the quran was compiled and standardized by the caliph Othman, who burned the other versions... Funny how God couldn't protect the quran from falsification until his words were compiled and standardized by a man.  Roll Eyes

    I'm pretty sure of all the details of my dream, however, even though I have a good memory, I know sometimes it fails. However, I'm sure of the fire, the guy who ran out of it and who turned back to me, but I try to be rational about it. I have absolutely no proofs that this is from "God", so I could also assume that this is from a devil who wants to trick me. But that couldn't change the fact that dreams aren't a great base to know the truth about religions.

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #11 - February 10, 2013, 09:06 PM

    Lluvia, I enjoyed reading your post. I am impressed with the way you expressed your thoughts succinctly. You are very intelligent young lady (not trying to be patronizing) - the fact you read the Quran first. Converting to Islam without reading the Quran is like jumping into a deep lake without learning to swim or eating meat without cooking. By the way, I am also a Quebecker.

    वासुदैव कुटुम्बकम्
    Entire World is One Family
    سارا سنسار ايک پريوار ہے
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #12 - February 10, 2013, 09:22 PM

    Hey Ram, thank you. Smiley I must admit I didn't read the entire quran yet, but the most I do, the most I wonder how can muslims stay muslims when they read it. Also, it's nice to see someone else from Quebec, I don't think we are many on that forum.

    If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

    He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #13 - February 10, 2013, 09:37 PM

    Interesting dreams. Many verses in the quran deal with the subject matter of 4:171 so I don't think the connection is at all miraculous. Also, the ordering and structure of the quran are not really apart of the original quran but were determined decades after the death of mohammad.

    As for the other one, that's pretty interesting. Are you sure of all the details? Sometimes we retroactively change information in dreams without even knowing it. It's possible as you were in your state interpreting these dreams, information coming in such as seeing the guys face mixed with the hazy details of the dream and presto, we have your experience.


    I disagree. I find the "171" dream remarkably miraculous, regardless of the nature the Qur'aan was compiled. Ofcourse, I don't think it is evidence for Islam being true.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #14 - February 10, 2013, 09:43 PM

    by the way, Lluvia?
    What do you think?
    Ofcourse, you seem to think that Islam is not true, but I am interested in how you personally explain those dreams, especially the 171 one?
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #15 - February 10, 2013, 10:07 PM

    Crunchy Cds, thank you. Your dream is so funny.  grin12 And yes that's right, muslims will always use conversions as a "proof" that they're right. The most shocking/funny is when they use some pseudo-scientist who supposedly converted to Islam, or a priest, or a famous actor/singer who converted. Sometimes they even use some random historical character and say "oh look this person converted before his death", when we have no proofs. And they don't seem to have any better arguments.
    Not only the converts. During 2012 I lost contact with the muslim guy I was talking about, ironically he re-contacted me a few days after I decided I wouldn't convert. He told me I should "study Islam again" because I was "full of prejudices" and that my "speech is absurd". I told him I began to read the quran and that he should do the same, he answered : "No", "I don't want to influence myself with false arguments which could divert me from Islam" and then "I know that Islam is true, if I want proofs I have many ... I don't want to influence myself and take the risk to mislead myself" (I translate literally.) In my head, I was like  Huh? you don't want to read to quran because it could take you away from Islam?
    Well, he made a point...Cheesy


    Sorry, for posting three times, you might be getting annoyed, i always do this Tongue But think about this for a second. Let's assume that this was a sign from God (I'm just talking about the second dream). Why would God pick a guy who doesn't want to read the Qur'aan himself?
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #16 - February 10, 2013, 10:30 PM

    Of course you noticed that 171 is nothing else but 9x19

    "That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #17 - February 10, 2013, 10:34 PM

    so alex ^, did mohammed make that dream for her too?
    what's your opinion on it? seriously
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #18 - February 10, 2013, 10:39 PM

    I'm strictly freudian when it comes to interpreting dreams. Thus, kutta, the only person who could have given you the answer was the person that had the dream. In other words you may as well have asked what colour underwear you're wearing. Stop being silly, will you?

    "That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #19 - February 10, 2013, 10:42 PM

    LOL, okay, i agree. Sorry.
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #20 - February 10, 2013, 10:53 PM

    Welcome Lluvia. I will tell you about 171.

    "That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #21 - February 10, 2013, 10:56 PM

    Welcome Lluvia,
    And well done for doing your homework and making a clear judgement before commiting to something as drastically life altering as Islam. Smiley
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #22 - February 10, 2013, 11:14 PM

    Wonderful post, Lluvia! You made the sensible decision to read the Quran for yourself and not believe what any peddler or charlatan, like Zakir Naik or Yusuf Estes, says. Welcome to the forum Smiley

    Reading your post has suddenly brought back so many memories of my childhood. Sitting here in my dorm room in Boston, looking out at my roommates playing their Modern Warfare 3 video games as they do, it's hard to retrospect back mentally into those years that have gone by. The change in my life was so drastic yet gradual that I find it hard to believe sometimes that I'm actually an ex-Muslim . Sitting here, I am compelled to write.

    I am compelled to write about Pakistan and my mixed Shia-Sunni family who, except my father, would,, raise their voices belligerently and angrily denounce this apostate. I can hear them in my head now. I know the verses they would use. I know the Ahadith and Twelver Imams they would quote. But how happy and yet sad at the same time for me to see that they're in the wrong. How I wish to release them from the captivity that Islam has on them.

    I recollect about those idiotic, bigoted, zealots in my mother's family who were so sure that they had the "truth" and that everyone else was "doomed to the hell fire" Do they even care about the truth? Do they even marvel at the hubble space telescope and look at the universe for what it really is; cold and indifferent? Would they forego their so-called "religion of peace" if the real truth was apparent and shot at look at them dead in the eye? No, they wouldn't. Nobody then really cared about the truth. They cared about power, particularly how to misuse power to oppress those who have none. Women, Hindus, Sikhs, Christians, gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals It had nothing to do with the truth, just whatever belief was convenient for their psyche.

    I think about the times I spent in the precincts of Karbala at the Imam Hussein Shrine, resting against the marble and dirt pillars, committing verses of Quran and Shia history to memory. There, as the heat of the morning from the opened courtyards mixed with the stench of pilgrims from all over the Shia world, I remember thinking about Muhammad himself, Al-Sadiq, Al-Amin (The Truthful, The Trustworthy). Yet, how could he be so selfish, dictatorial and ruthless in his insatiable hunger for power? What would Allah, the Most-Gracious, the Most Just, allow Muhammad to obtain power by killing innocent Jewish men and boys? Yet, I repressed that. I was in Karbala, after all. I trusted that by being at one of the holiest sites of Shia Islam, I might have that epiphany about the meaning of life.


    I think of my friend, Raza Ali Khan. He was not a mere acquaintance, but a true friend. He was an amazing guy to be with. I felt a need to save him from his supposedly "vices." He imagined that one day, there would be peace in Karachi between Shias and Sunnis. How we would play together with peace and tranquility. He never believed in Hell, because he already saw it once when his mother was burnt alive because she was a "heretic" according to a Sufi cleric. Hell was already here. It was too late for his dreams to come true, because a bomb blast at a famous market of the city would take his life, just for being at the wrong place and wrong time. Just for not being "the right kind of Muslim."


    All these thoughts suddenly rush into my mind. My father with me on a train to the Badshahi Mosque in Lahore. Taking pride at how the Muslims conquered all of India, and secretly wishing they did not. Reading about the cosmos, evolution, existentialist philosophy and having it make perfect sense to me, and secretly wishing it did not.
    Looking at my 3 year old niece as she begged me to let her ride on my neck, and knowing she could do whatever she wanted out of life, as long as I was alive, no matter what anyone else thought.
     
    And I remember watching my aunts, with their crippling lung cancer, surrendering their lives to the teachings of a mad-man they didn't really know. I think about how my city in Karachi paints a picture of Muhammad that isn't really true. All the reinterpreting in the world won't change the fact that he raped his own wife, that he had sex with a 9 year old girl, that he assassinated his citizens for writing satire against him. They shouted as they were in pain:  Ya Allah, Ya Rasullah, Ya Al-Rahman. Oh, God. Oh, messenger of God.  Oh, The Most Merciful God. I shake my head in regret and sorrow to think about it all.

    Seeing people here open about their disbelief, yet be the most loving, kind, generous people I've ever met online gives me hope about the prospect of a better tomorrow. The CEMB forums has become a sanctuary for my sanity in an insane world.

    Tell the bird of superstitions not to speak
    The string of reasons will tie its beak
    Even if faith comes with water of the seven seas
    It'll evaporate on the griddle of wisdom with a shriek.

     - Josh Malihabadi
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #23 - February 10, 2013, 11:20 PM

    I disagree. I find the "171" dream remarkably miraculous, regardless of the nature the Qur'aan was compiled. Ofcourse, I don't think it is evidence for Islam being true.


    I'm unsure of why a verse dealing with Christianity would be miraculous though. It seems to require a little too much interpretation as in 'the hellfire of Christianity is passed onto you'. As for the saying isn't it 3 words then followed by 171? "c'est le numéro" I count 3 but I don't know how french works.

    Shouldn't then following this logic 3:171 be the verse to look at?
    "They receive good tidings of favor from Allah and bounty and [of the fact] that Allah does not allow the reward of believers to be lost -"

    Which I guess it again could be argued that this has significant as in "she's receiving a favor" or something. It's just that so many verses could fit here that I don't see the point of one over the other. But that's just my opinion from detail I can't verify.

    I think the "face" is extremely strange as how could someone know the face of another without seeing them first? That's why I contest it as something retroactive because that's quite amazing if true.



  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #24 - February 10, 2013, 11:32 PM

    LOL, it's actually four words, that's just an abbreviation.
    I guess that's not the point though, or is it?
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #25 - February 10, 2013, 11:50 PM

    Nah there was a greater meaning Tongue
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #26 - February 10, 2013, 11:54 PM

    Wonderful post, Lluvia! You made the sensible decision to read the Quran for yourself and not believe what any peddler or charlatan, like Zakir Naik or Yusuf Estes, says. Welcome to the forum Smiley

    Reading your post has suddenly brought back so many memories of my childhood. Sitting here in my dorm room in Boston, looking out at my roommates playing their Modern Warfare 3 video games as they do, it's hard to retrospect back mentally into those years that have gone by. The change in my life was so drastic yet gradual that I find it hard to believe sometimes that I'm actually an ex-Muslim . Sitting here, I am compelled to write.

    I am compelled to write about Pakistan and my mixed Shia-Sunni family who, except my father, would,, raise their voices belligerently and angrily denounce this apostate. I can hear them in my head now. I know the verses they would use. I know the Ahadith and Twelver Imams they would quote. But how happy and yet sad at the same time for me to see that they're in the wrong. How I wish to release them from the captivity that Islam has on them.

    I recollect about those idiotic, bigoted, zealots in my mother's family who were so sure that they had the "truth" and that everyone else was "doomed to the hell fire" Do they even care about the truth? Do they even marvel at the hubble space telescope and look at the universe for what it really is; cold and indifferent? Would they forego their so-called "religion of peace" if the real truth was apparent and shot at look at them dead in the eye? No, they wouldn't. Nobody then really cared about the truth. They cared about power, particularly how to misuse power to oppress those who have none. Women, Hindus, Sikhs, Christians, gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals It had nothing to do with the truth, just whatever belief was convenient for their psyche.

    I think about the times I spent in the precincts of Karbala at the Imam Hussein Shrine, resting against the marble and dirt pillars, committing verses of Quran and Shia history to memory. There, as the heat of the morning from the opened courtyards mixed with the stench of pilgrims from all over the Shia world, I remember thinking about Muhammad himself, Al-Sadiq, Al-Amin (The Truthful, The Trustworthy). Yet, how could he be so selfish, dictatorial and ruthless in his insatiable hunger for power? What would Allah, the Most-Gracious, the Most Just, allow Muhammad to obtain power by killing innocent Jewish men and boys? Yet, I repressed that. I was in Karbala, after all. I trusted that by being at one of the holiest sites of Shia Islam, I might have that epiphany about the meaning of life.


    I think of my friend, Raza Ali Khan. He was not a mere acquaintance, but a true friend. He was an amazing guy to be with. I felt a need to save him from his supposedly "vices." He imagined that one day, there would be peace in Karachi between Shias and Sunnis. How we would play together with peace and tranquility. He never believed in Hell, because he already saw it once when his mother was burnt alive because she was a "heretic" according to a Sufi cleric. Hell was already here. It was too late for his dreams to come true, because a bomb blast at a famous market of the city would take his life, just for being at the wrong place and wrong time. Just for not being "the right kind of Muslim."


    All these thoughts suddenly rush into my mind. My father with me on a train to the Badshahi Mosque in Lahore. Taking pride at how the Muslims conquered all of India, and secretly wishing they did not. Reading about the cosmos, evolution, existentialist philosophy and having it make perfect sense to me, and secretly wishing it did not.
    Looking at my 3 year old niece as she begged me to let her ride on my neck, and knowing she could do whatever she wanted out of life, as long as I was alive, no matter what anyone else thought.
     
    And I remember watching my aunts, with their crippling lung cancer, surrendering their lives to the teachings of a mad-man they didn't really know. I think about how my city in Karachi paints a picture of Muhammad that isn't really true. All the reinterpreting in the world won't change the fact that he raped his own wife, that he had sex with a 9 year old girl, that he assassinated his citizens for writing satire against him. They shouted as they were in pain:  Ya Allah, Ya Rasullah, Ya Al-Rahman. Oh, God. Oh, messenger of God.  Oh, The Most Merciful God. I shake my head in regret and sorrow to think about it all.

    Seeing people here open about their disbelief, yet be the most loving, kind, generous people I've ever met online gives me hope about the prospect of a better tomorrow. The CEMB forums has become a sanctuary for my sanity in an insane world.



     Wink
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #27 - February 10, 2013, 11:57 PM

    Welcome to the forum, Lluvia. parrot

    As a rationalist I believe dreams are merely the product of neurons firing in the brain - making connections and digesting our thoughts, hopes, anxieties and memories to project forward and make predictions so we can increase our chances of survival in a dangerous and harsh world.

    There was a good BBC Horizon documentary about dreams from a scientific point of view a few years ago.

    "Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell

    Baloney Detection Kit
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #28 - February 10, 2013, 11:59 PM

    ^Tell it to Yusuf, AS

    "That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
  • I'm an "ex future convert".
     Reply #29 - February 11, 2013, 12:13 AM

    ^Tell it to Yusuf, AS

     Cheesy
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