Ex Revert
OP - September 26, 2013, 02:50 AM
Hello,
It is very hard for me to create this post. I was a very religious hijaabi for nearly two decades. I used to be one of those Muslims arguing on Ali Sina's site to try to get the doubting Muslims and the questioning curious back on track in the Sunnah. That's not why it is hard to create the post. I am not ashamed of my gradual acceptance that organized religion is awful mind control. The problem is that I spent nearly a decade with a charming, horrid man from a typical Middle Eastern dictatorship who controlled and abused me so completely that I am dealing with PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome. I am so fearful of being myself that I can hardly write anything personal and I am afraid to connect with anyone. It took me a year to do this, just to join a forum.
I am a native English speaker, but I miss the languages I have been using for the last few decades so much that I talk to myself in the car. I miss people greeting me, I miss the food, I miss Muslim culture so much that it actually hurts. I moved to a town that is a complete monoculture. There is one Muslim family here. No masjid, not even a foreign language radio station. I did this to keep myself away from the familiar, and to protect my children from their father and his culture. It's working well enough, but I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes I despair no one ever will. I took Shahadah right after High School, and being back in Amriki culture makes me feel sort of like I woke up in a time warp, as if my mind has been dumped back into that age. But then I am two decades older, and I have this pack of little kids, and I feel a sort of surprise. I am sure being able to make my own choices for the first time since then has something to do with it. It's quite disconcerting.
I do have a therapist, my kids have one, too, especially since they have PTSD from their father, as well. I am taking care of myself and my kids, but I am just so lonely and so tired of hiding. What if I ever tell anyone here I used to be Muslim, and some crazy idiot out to prove his Iman tries to erase the apostate? I have enough fear, and this is just one more. It's sort of ridiculous, too. If there is only one Muslim family here, why am I worried?
The other thing is that I was a very good Muslim woman. Ladies would ask me, upon meeting me, if I had a sister like me for their sons. They would tell me they never met any Amriki girl like me. I was so proud. Now, I am the lowest. I don't cover, I don't observe any ritual, I took my kids and threw them into Amriki culture with enthusiasm. I put a statue of Buddha in the living room to help them with remembering compassion. I have guilt and shame, and I should not. I chose to walk away for the sake of my children and myself. I do not want to live the way I used to. It's like the shame is something I can't shake. I don't even censor my thoughts now, and I feel embarrassed for them sometimes. I don't want to be good, I want to be RIGHT. But I feel sort of fallen. Let me be clear, too, that I have no vices other than coffee. I should feel good about myself.
Doesn't anyone else have these issues? Is it a remnant of being in an abusive relationship, where Islamic mores and my ex's opinions got all twisted together? Or am I simply unhinged?
Anyway, thank you. Shukria. Shokran. Gracias. Spas. Merci. Domo.
Don't let Hitler have the street.
Topic: Ex Revert