I am freaking out.

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- Saraa144
- Ex-Muslim
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I am freaking out.
OP - January 11, 2014, 06:42 PM

Yeah, as title says.

It was my 18th birthday yesterday. I don't live with my parents anymore (I live with my boyfriend and his family) and my parents are coming over in a couple of hours.

Yesterday I received a letter from my cousin (I wasn't particularly close to her either) saying how I should go back because I'm upsetting my family and all. BUT MY PARENTS KICKED ME OUT. They have denied doing so for a while and evidently they've told everyone that I left but the scariest part is that they've given my address out.

Anyway, last week they sent me a letter saying that they'll be making a cake for me on my birthday and that they 'hope I'll be able to come and pick it up' so I told them that I won't be (via my boyfriend's father's email as I can't give them my email address because they start spamming me with religious rubbish.) and offered that they come to my house instead. We've offered to meet up with them in mutual places before but they've always refused because they refuse to talk my boyfriend or any of his family (because they've stuck up for me) and I don't feel safe with them to go alone, plus they don't want to meet up in public.

So, we assumed that they'll refuse as expected but they didn't. I sent further emails making sure they were clear that ALL my boyfriend's family will be here and we will want to talk about everything that has happened (because it needs sorting out and I want apologies because they have done some awful things to me) but they are refusing to talk about any of it. They proposed just giving me my presents on the doorstep (and my sister has apparently organised 'a surprise which would be best if I got it on the doorstep'. What the hell is that meant to be?) and I just don't see the point of it because it's just going to upset us all and I don't want their presents.

I haven't seen my Mother and sister since August and my brother and Father since April.

I am freaking out. Sorry, I just needed to write this down.
- yeezevee
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Reply #1 - January 11, 2014, 06:48 PM

Quote from: Saraa144 on January 11, 2014, 06:42 PM
...................... They proposed just giving me my presents on the doorstep (and my sister has apparently organised 'a surprise which would be best if I got it on the doorstep'. What the hell is that meant to be?)

dear Saraa144 don't freak out with my response ... Pack them up and send the box back in the mail with a thank you note

Quote
I haven't seen my Mother and sister since August and my brother and Father since April.

I am freaking out. Sorry, I just needed to write this down.

No freaking out... no freaky stuff.. Life is practical. And I am glad your boy friend parents and your boy friend are taking care of you. allahgod whatever...........bless their souls..

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
- movingfeet
- The Sin Of Greed
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Reply #2 - January 11, 2014, 06:50 PM

"via my boyfriend's father's email as I can't give them my email address because they start spamming me with religious rubbish"

I have had to deal with that a lot too. Stay strong. You're doing good. So glad your boyfriend's family supports you.

"Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve, and hope without an object cannot live." -Coleridge

http://sinofgreed.wordpress.com/
- three
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Reply #3 - January 11, 2014, 06:51 PM

I am so sorry, of course this is terribly stressful, and not how one would want to celebrate a birthday, which should be a happy time.
I am so very glad, though, that you have support.
This is up to you. You do not have to accept anything. You have the right to refuse to see them, you have to right to refuse gifts, you have the right to tell them to leave. I bet your boyfriends family will support your rights.
This is about your emotional readiness. You get to decide, not anyone else. You do what you need to do, in order to take care of yourself. You are free, no one can now take that away from you. Be strong and take advantage of your support system.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
- Jedi
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Reply #4 - January 11, 2014, 07:53 PM

sara...I think this is a good thing isn't it.

Why would you want to meet up with your parents and bring up the 'issues' on your birthday when your boyfriends family will be there.

Just meet them on the doorstep, be polite, get your presents and say good bye. Keep it short and sweet and then slowly...slowly...aista...aista...who knows what will happen.
Happy 18th btw!

No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
- INcePtion
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Reply #5 - January 11, 2014, 09:45 PM

I dont want to scare you, but be careful...
Just keep calm. I think they'll have plenty of things to tell you. You haven't seen them for months!
Please be careful.

P.s. born the same day and year
Happy birthdayyy!!
- Naerys
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Reply #6 - January 12, 2014, 09:30 AM

I'd be very careful too.

And as crazy as this sounds, don't eat the cake

He's no friend to the friendless
And he's the mother of grief
There's only sorrow for tomorrow
Surely life is too brief
- Quod Sum Eris
- King of the
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Reply #7 - January 12, 2014, 09:49 AM

You think the cake is poisoned or stuffed with razors/broken glass?

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
- codehawk
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Reply #8 - January 12, 2014, 09:58 AM

Well , people generally get a wild imagination from watching too much movies but still there is some "what if there is a possibilty" thought that hovers around everyones head in strange moments like this .
- Cornflower
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Reply #9 - January 12, 2014, 11:55 AM

I am in no way trying to excuse your family, but when they kicked you out (which they did even if they now deny it) it was probably because they wanted to "wake up" and "come to your senses". I believe they genuinly believed you would come back and that it was only a way to pressure you into submitting to their rules and expectations. What they are doing now is probably trying to draw you in to the family again, maybe in order to make you come home and ditch this whole "boyfriend" thing. This is what my family did to me when I became a Muslim.

I don't think you have to be paranoid, even though I completely understand you why you are feeling this way. I am going through some shit myself and the paranoid and worries I've had are crazy, but it's a defense mechanism. I would advice you to be careful and not trust them completely. I don't think you should go alone to see them, even if it is just to have some support.

As for their "present" and their "cake", make it very clear that you will not accept it if it is not accompanied with their willingless to resolve your issues and talk about it.

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
- Saraa144
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Reply #10 - January 12, 2014, 02:00 PM

Thank you everyone for the responses. I guess I should actually tell you what happened.

Quote from: Jedi on January 11, 2014, 07:53 PM
sara...I think this is a good thing isn't it.

Why would you want to meet up with your parents and bring up the 'issues' on your birthday when your boyfriends family will be there.

Just meet them on the doorstep, be polite, get your presents and say good bye. Keep it short and sweet and then slowly...slowly...aista...aista...who knows what will happen.
Happy 18th btw!

Thank you! But it's not that I WANT to have an argument, it's just that I don't want to speak to my father until he gives me an apology. I mean, he's read my texts and my emails, tried to pull me out of college, tried to make me feel guilty about leaving Islam, wrote my Mother's emails to me for her, turned my siblings against me, kicked me out 4 weeks before my AS exams then refused to give me my work for another week (and he only did that because it's actually illegal for him to deny me my work. You know, right to education and all). My boyfriend's family also has Jewish heritage (although none of them are practicing) so he's said racist comments about them. The list goes on. I think I deserve an apology and the only chance I have is if we meet up which he has refused many times before so we thought this would be a good opportunity.

Anyway, my Father is an absolute arse and he brought all of my extended family over. Most of them disliked me anyway because they felt I was 'too liberal' but they all came. And no one spoke. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. My Father had told some of them to say things like how my Granddad is ill so he couldn't come and all of them gave me money or presents (sometimes both) and all the cards had religious messages in them. (The cake wasn't poisoned, but they forced me to eat a piece in front of them all. It's actually quite nice ) My Dad who is fluent in English, even has an English accent, refused to speak anything but Punjabi (I can't speak Punjabi) and my brother and sister didn't say hello or goodbye to me and my sister looked hateful.

Wasn't a great night. :L

Quote from: INcePtion on January 11, 2014, 09:45 PM
P.s. born the same day and year
Happy birthdayyy!!

Birthday twins!! :
Happy birthday!!

Urgh. I hate my Father.
- movingfeet
- The Sin Of Greed
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Reply #11 - January 12, 2014, 02:04 PM

..man, you sure he's not my father or something? you could be my clone in another universe

"Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve, and hope without an object cannot live." -Coleridge

http://sinofgreed.wordpress.com/
- Saraa144
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Reply #12 - January 12, 2014, 02:22 PM

Hahahahahaha, maybe we're long lost siblings and it's the same person :')
How many religiously driven crazy Father's can there be?
- movingfeet
- The Sin Of Greed
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Reply #13 - January 12, 2014, 02:26 PM

so many..

"Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve, and hope without an object cannot live." -Coleridge

http://sinofgreed.wordpress.com/
- yeezevee
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Reply #14 - January 12, 2014, 02:32 PM

Quote from: Saraa144 on January 12, 2014, 02:22 PM

How many religiously driven crazy Father's can there be?

In Islamic world they run in to millions, 100s of millions., And that is because they grew up in a completely isolated world of religiosity, where real Life becomes secondary and bookish religion becomes primary goal of their life.

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
- INcePtion
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Reply #15 - January 12, 2014, 02:55 PM

Quote from: Saraa144 on January 12, 2014, 02:00 PM
Thank you everyone for the responses. I guess I should actually tell you what happened.

Thank you! But it's not that I WANT to have an argument, it's just that I don't want to speak to my father until he gives me an apology. I mean, he's read my texts and my emails, tried to pull me out of college, tried to make me feel guilty about leaving Islam, wrote my Mother's emails to me for her, turned my siblings against me, kicked me out 4 weeks before my AS exams then refused to give me my work for another week (and he only did that because it's actually illegal for him to deny me my work. You know, right to education and all). My boyfriend's family also has Jewish heritage (although none of them are practicing) so he's said racist comments about them. The list goes on. I think I deserve an apology and the only chance I have is if we meet up which he has refused many times before so we thought this would be a good opportunity.

Anyway, my Father is an absolute arse and he brought all of my extended family over. Most of them disliked me anyway because they felt I was 'too liberal' but they all came. And no one spoke. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. My Father had told some of them to say things like how my Granddad is ill so he couldn't come and all of them gave me money or presents (sometimes both) and all the cards had religious messages in them. (The cake wasn't poisoned, but they forced me to eat a piece in front of them all. It's actually quite nice ) My Dad who is fluent in English, even has an English accent, refused to speak anything but Punjabi (I can't speak Punjabi) and my brother and sister didn't say hello or goodbye to me and my sister looked hateful.

Wasn't a great night. :L

Birthday twins!! :
Happy birthday!!

Urgh. I hate my Father.

You don't know how much I hate mine. He is completely brainwashed and becomes violent when it comes to the so-called honor.

Anyway, you have to stay stronger you are not alone
This world is full of psychos We have to remain sane in this insane world.
- Saraa144
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I am freaking out.
Reply #16 - January 12, 2014, 03:22 PM

Quote from: INcePtion on January 12, 2014, 02:55 PM
You don't know how much I hate mine. He is completely brainwashed and becomes violent when it comes to the so-called honor.

Anyway, you have to stay stronger you are not alone
This world is full of psychos We have to remain sane in this insane world.

My Dad hasn't quite been violent. There have been times where we've been worried that he might do something exceptionally crazy (like kidnap me and marry me off in Pakistan etc) but nothing like that has happened yet.

Sigh... I am getting fed up of trying. :(
- Lynna
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Reply #17 - January 12, 2014, 03:36 PM

Hi Sara
You are very young to be having so much to deal with.
Ah yes you are 18 very grown-up and want to slap me in the head.
Okay. But remember this when are 50 something and your oldest grandchild is soon 11. You will be saying to some 18 year old many years ago. ...
Three has given you some good advice.
I suppose your family loves you in the best way they know how. Or else they would not have given you another thought when you walked out the door. You however do have the right to make whatever choices you want.
Be careful especially if you think your family is the type to kidnap you.
Be careful that you don't "burn bridges" between you and your family.
One thing I would say (still do sometimes) to my children is, "You kknow the difference between me and you. I've been where you are you have yet to be where I am." They'd agrue sometimes that the world had changed. Hummm... maybe but not so much in someways. Amazement of amazements I heard my daughter say to her child, "You know the difference between me and you. ..."
I smiled inside how we change as we grow older I'm more like my Dad then I thought I'd ever be.
Try for moment to think what you would do if the love of your life was doing something that you thought was the most dangerous stupid live altering thing they could choose. How desperate would you be to change their mind?
Not that you need to change your mind. However when you look at your Father see that person acting out of the desperation of true love not as a breast trying to stop you from something good.
Your path is your own choice wisely act with wisedom. In this case wisedom perhaps that is beyond your years.
You are already showing it by wanting to talk in the company of those you feel safe with.
Think carefully about what you want to talk about......

If at first you succeed...try something harder.

Failing isn't falling down. Failing is not getting back up again.
- three
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Reply #18 - January 12, 2014, 03:36 PM

You girls stay strong. I am glad you passed through this, and came out okay. Just keep on, it's your life, take care to keep it so.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
- moi
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Reply #19 - January 12, 2014, 06:42 PM

On the comment about the cake, is there a possibility they may attempt to get you in their car and drive you off? Might they see themselves as saving you?

I would stay in a hall or front room and meet them there.

And as others have said, short and sweet, happy new year and goodbye.

When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.

A.A. Milne,

"We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
- moi
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Reply #20 - January 12, 2014, 06:46 PM

I used to be a social worker and two fifteen year olds were whisked off to Turkey to be married. Could the surprise be that they have "arranged" something?

When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.

A.A. Milne,

"We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
- three
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Reply #21 - January 12, 2014, 07:05 PM

Don't worry moi, it already happened, look back a little and you can see. She is okay, and we can relax.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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Reply #22 - January 13, 2014, 06:33 AM

The fact of the matter is some people are poison. My father was scum as were pretty much all his side of the family. I have nothing to do with them nor do I desire to. Fortunately my mother's side is a different story, very decent people. If you can work things out with them and have a good relationship, that's wonderful. Maybe in time they will accept it and give you their full support. If not, then you can't force them. Do what's best for you. They told you to leave, not the other way around.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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