Been following CEMB from afar for quite a while. I am actually very happy that such community exists, because there’s bound to be many of us all over the place that feel so lonely and even frightened.
Let me tell you my story, in case it interests you.
I’m an Arab from North Africa born and bred in the UK. My family from both sides are devoted Muslims (no surprises) and both my grandfathers are prominent scholars (no exaggeration). I was raised learning the Quran regularly and up to the age of about 14 I started taking Islam seriously. I started listening to hours and hours of lectures from Wahabi Saudi lecturers, indulging in the most magnificent of (BS) stories of the prophets and the companions and the angels and and and and – I was HOOKED. At one point I was convinced that women should cover up HEAD TO TOE – it was meant to be, that’s how we can survive the hellfire!! I actually reached the point where I memorize half the Quran. Bear in mind Arabic and English are my joint first language so reading the Quran wasn’t just a matter of uttering words for me, I understood it, and believed in it… I was ALWAYS however, a questioner, and always had a huge interest in philosophy in general. I used to debate endlessly with my non-muslim friends about a God and atheism and and and.
See it got so bad that I built up a reputation, of being a good Muslim. The kind of devoted Muslim that gathers the high school pupils to the Friday Jumma. I used to write AVIDLY all the Jumma Khutbas wanting to step up the notion and provide modern day Khutbas and not just some old school typical boring lectures, I wanted to modernise the interpretation of the religion so people could follow it properly today and engage with it…
I was always reading and debating through all this however – at one point I stopped listening to MUSIC completely for around 7 or 8 months. I totally believed it was forbidden and bad for you. One thing I’d like to make very clear is that I was NEVER forced to become devoted – maybe the only thing I was “encouraged” to do was go to Quran class to learn the Quran so my parents can feel that they have achieved something good and produced a child that has learnt the Quran!! I did all this religious business from my inner choice, my studying, my sheikh choices and my actions – (embarrassingly)
Next up I came across (randomly) this guy online that was questioning the authenticity of Hadith…. It was a shocker for me! Oh my God! I have never come across anybody that has questioned it…in fact, this guy goes so far as to COMPLETELY reject Hadith all together! OH MY GOD! How can you be a Muslim without hadith!! So I read and read and read and even ordered his book The miracle 19 in the Quran. The guy’s name is Edip Yuksel by the way – I still respect him as a scholar and as a searcher who made his own conclusions based on studies he made for years and years. I ultimately, was convinced with his ideas and empirically agreed that Hadith is the writing and record of humans and is NOT from God as it’s completely different from the Quran.
Onwards!
On of my friends posted a random thought on Facebook… he said “Isn’t it a coincidence that if you’re from Saudi Arabia you’re a muslim, and if you’re from India you’re probably a hindu, and if you’re from Mexico you’re probably Christian etc.” – It was this that I can point to that really got me thinking. And also, seeing as though we are all the same as people, same desires, same pitfalls same strengths and weaknesses – I thought hmmmm.
Next up came Ramdan. I was like…. What, why am I not eating….? I’m hungry – and I like food. Wait, am I doing this for GOD? The Almighty? Starving myself to give him something? Huh? It just didn’t jell.
We’re developed animals – that’s what we are. Just because we have more advanced brains we seem to think that different rules apply to us and that we’re superior – there are SO many similarities even from a social level for how humans interact and react compared to say apes and chimpanzees. We are here to survive.
I am here to procreate and pass on my genetics without dying. Religion is a mere control mechanism to get people under control. It’s all made up.
I’m now 20 years old – studying in a top uni and unfortunately living at home, living a DOUBLE life. Living the life of a HYPOCRITE. Living a LIE. Praying in front of them when I have to, and not disclosing my real friends and activities outside the home.
It’s sickening. It’s disgusting. Living a double life is something I will never recommend to anyone. Why would you do that. You should be proud of your colour of your beliefs of your identity, you are who you are, you breathe the air, you pump the blood – nobody else. But I am left paralysed with no choice. I am left in a tight situation. I hate it – and It is doubtlessly affecting my mentally in the most excruciating of ways.
I wish my family could see who I really am. I wish I could tell them loud and proud “I AM NOT A MUSLIM”. It would make me so much more comfortable. But the reaction would be so terrible I cannot even begin to fathom. God knows whether I’ll be disowned or locked in a room with a little hole where food is passed to me. I have no idea of the results – but as I am not financially independent, I cannot reveal my dirty little secret just yet – but sometimes I think I’d rather live a less luxurious life than live a fake life with two faces.
The above story is hugely summarized.
There is so much more to say so many more details I just thought I’d give you the general jist.
What are your thoughts guys? Should I hold it together finish this degree (1 more year left) and then leave and keep everything in good terms? Should I declare it now to them and slowly? What to do?
Thank you for listening and reading – I am happy you guys are here.
Kind Regards, Humans.
Topic: Hello from an involuntary double lifer