Hello and greetings to all !
I was from reddit and was jumping sites, here and there looking for a really secure place to express my feelings. And I found this forum ! and I am so so relief now. I was a bit paranoid about this coming out as an exmuslim-malay Malaysian online because they took away our freedom of speech on the internet, including facebook or twitter.
So my long-story short, I had always been a disbeliever, I think
. As far as I know, my dad and my brother are very liberal. Sometimes, I saw my brother in the mall during friday prayers
, I had seen my dad being infidel with my step-mom and sit next to him drinking wine,
but I kept it to myself. However, my mom and both my sisters are really pious. To make things worse, my mom's sister, with whom she lives with (because my parents are divorced), is
bit very radical. She visits Mecca at least once a year and I sense that her husband is playing part in this whole terrorist thing.
As most exmuslim here too, I had always been forced to pray and wear hijab, especially when I'm staying under the same roof as my mom. But the most infuriating thing about them to me, is their recent moral values. They are the most arrogant, hypocrite, bigot, resentful, racist, and intolerant people I had ever met. I swear before 9/11, they were completely different people. My mom was a liberal muslim, happy and very kind person and my sister, she was cool and open-minded. Now I feel like as if someone had changed my biological family. I guess people do change, from good to bad or vice versa. Either way, they are still my family and I love them unconditionally. Although I think they love their god and the promise of heaven more than what they already have in this world. We had our own version of rough moments after my parent's divorce and I feel like they've surrendered 100% to god as if they have no more hopes left in this world.
So that's my family in my country. I am now studying overseas in Europe (I don't want to be specific because I'm under the contract of government's scholarship) and since then, I have my freedom to do whatever I want. I can think and question whatever I want. I can experience my life however I want. I've been experimenting myself with THC & other drugs and I had never been bettah!
However, other Malaysian students here love to gossip and talk bad about others (typical muslim eih?). So when my family heard this (I don't even know how they could have connection to my family) they tried to brainwash me again the last time I went back during the summer. They even tried to blackmail me if they ever hear me enjoying my free life again, they want me stop my studies here.
At this present, I'm in love with a deutsch. He's the one who made me more motivated in my studies, my future and to truly come out from this religion and not feel bad about it. He accepted me as myself, with my weakness and my imperfection and he never stops telling me how pretty inside and out I am. I never ever had this feeling of joy and love before, not even from my own family. I'm glad I found him. However, I know I have to sweep him under a rug, but that's not fair especially I've already met his wonderful family. He really wants to come to Malaysia with me but I know there's a lot of bad than good consequences to that. I have 3 years left until I finish my studies and I honestly do not want to go back to that hell hole. I want to settle down with him here, but I don't know how. And even if I do know how, I don't want to cut my relationship with my family. I don't want to be hypocrites like them.
The only thing I can do now is to hold tight until my studies over. But how long til I have to keep this from my overprotective family? and what should I do next ? Can I change my residential status after certain period into something permanent? I don't care losing my malaysian right's but I don't want to get ban from M'sia either.
And can I please have a parrot, pleeeeaseee !
Topic: I'm a malaysian and I'm done with this religion crap.