I'm not glad to be alive

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- Toona
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I'm not glad to be alive
OP - August 16, 2014, 01:21 AM

But I don't wish that I'm dead either. Not yet anyway. The time may come when I wish I were dead, and perhaps have the strength to actually end it. But I am still young, and there's a good chance that there will be moments in my future where I'm glad that I'm not dead. I'm still at the beginning of a new journey. I left Islam, and a year later I left Saudi Arabia to live in the USA, and my life is yet to get in motion. There's no telling what awaits me.

I should be excited about life. Things aren't looking bad at all. The fact that I'm not makes me question my ability to be happy. I've never been a happy person, and me continuing to follow that pattern to this point is not unexpected, but if I'm not able to be happy here in the USA, then there's no real point to living. I am going to give myself a chance. I am going to try to to get a job, stabilize my life, get a girlfriend, and different things. But the recent passing of Robin Williams has me thinking, if you don't know how to be happy, none of that will matter in the end.

I have a lot to work towards, but it's an undeniable possibility that I could still end up miserable and alone, no matter how many antidepressants I take, or how healthy I eat, or how often I meditate and exercise, or how many therapists I see, or how many people care for me. It's just one possible outcome out of many, but it's a likely one when you consider my life's patterns.

I refrain from talking about my unhappiness because I don't want to infect other people's happiness with it. Every person has their own problems, and I don't want to burden anyone else with mine. I try to put on a brave face for the benefit of others, which only makes me feel more alone. I only have the forum to share what I feel with.

In this moment, all I care about is loving and being loved. It's something I barely have any experience with. There's a good chance that I have yet to meet the people I love most in life, and that's probably the one thing that's keeping me hopeful. But it's probably not going to be easy nor straightforward. There's probably a very painful journey ahead of me before I meet them, and the worst part is that I'll never know whether I will actually meet them or not until I eventually possibly do.

These are my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic, and I'm not on the verge of committing suicide. It might happen in a few years, but not anytime soon, based not on how I currently feel, which changes from moment to moment, but on what things have always been like for me.
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Reply #1 - August 16, 2014, 01:34 AM

You have to occupy the conscious portion of your brain with other things than thinking about this stuff, at least imo.

Doesn't always work, but is the most effective strategy that I've found.

Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
how fuck works without shit??

Let's Play Chess!

harakaat, friend, RIP
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Reply #2 - August 16, 2014, 01:34 AM

Everyone needs to unload sometime. If you ever accept my Skype request IM me. Always willing to lend an ear.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #3 - August 16, 2014, 01:42 AM

It might also help to "fake" being an extrovert for a bit, at least until you get settled in with your new life in the USA. People tend to respond well to those who put themselves out there. Then you can figure out who you want/don't want to be spending your time with.

Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
how fuck works without shit??

Let's Play Chess!

harakaat, friend, RIP
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Reply #4 - August 16, 2014, 01:45 AM

Also focus on the little things to give you that kick of happiness. It really doesn't take all that much to induce that emotion, if you know yourself honestly. For me, its getting out and moving about, usually with a football. But at other points its been other types of this same form of kinesthetic trigger of "happiness".

Find your own cheat codes and use them.

Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
how fuck works without shit??

Let's Play Chess!

harakaat, friend, RIP
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Reply #5 - August 16, 2014, 02:08 AM

Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on August 16, 2014, 01:34 AM
Everyone needs to unload sometime. If you ever accept my Skype request IM me. Always willing to lend an ear.

I thought I did. I received a message from you once, and responded to it. I don't know. Skype behaves very weirdly for me.

Quote
Also focus on the little things to give you that kick of happiness. It really doesn't take all that much to induce that emotion, if you know yourself honestly. For me, its getting out and moving about, usually with a football. But at other points its been other types of this same form of kinesthetic trigger of "happiness".

I used to have a lot of those, but spending so many years by myself, these depleted one by one. The only thing I know of that can make me happy is hanging out with friends, and I don't have many of those around yet.
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Reply #6 - August 16, 2014, 02:18 AM

You'll find friends sooner or later.
What about owning a pet?
They can be good company too
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Reply #7 - August 16, 2014, 02:19 AM

Quote from: Toona on August 16, 2014, 01:21 AM
But I don't wish that I'm dead either. Not yet anyway. The time may come when I wish I were dead, and perhaps have the strength to actually end it. But I am still young, and there's a good chance that there will be moments in my future where I'm glad that I'm not dead. I'm still at the beginning of a new journey. I left Islam, and a year later I left Saudi Arabia to live in the USA, and my life is yet to get in motion. There's no telling what awaits me.

I should be excited about life. Things aren't looking bad at all. The fact that I'm not makes me question my ability to be happy. I've never been a happy person, and me continuing to follow that pattern to this point is not unexpected, but if I'm not able to be happy here in the USA, then there's no real point to living. I am going to give myself a chance. I am going to try to to get a job, stabilize my life, get a girlfriend, and different things. But the recent passing of Robin Williams has me thinking, if you don't know how to be happy, none of that will matter in the end.

I have a lot to work towards, but it's an undeniable possibility that I could still end up miserable and alone, no matter how many antidepressants I take, or how healthy I eat, or how often I meditate and exercise, or how many therapists I see, or how many people care for me. It's just one possible outcome out of many, but it's a likely one when you consider my life's patterns.

I refrain from talking about my unhappiness because I don't want to infect other people's happiness with it. Every person has their own problems, and I don't want to burden anyone else with mine. I try to put on a brave face for the benefit of others, which only makes me feel more alone. I only have the forum to share what I feel with.

In this moment, all I care about is loving and being loved. It's something I barely have any experience with. There's a good chance that I have yet to meet the people I love most in life, and that's probably the one thing that's keeping me hopeful. But it's probably not going to be easy nor straightforward. There's probably a very painful journey ahead of me before I meet them, and the worst part is that I'll never know whether I will actually meet them or not until I eventually possibly do.

These are my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic, and I'm not on the verge of committing suicide. It might happen in a few years, but not anytime soon, based not on how I currently feel, which changes from moment to moment, but on what things have always been like for me.

When people admit to negative emotions, I always feel as if they were more real, more human. I can get a better connection with someone having real emotion than I can with someone who is always chipper.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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Reply #8 - August 16, 2014, 03:51 AM

Quote from: Toona on August 16, 2014, 01:21 AM
I refrain from talking about my unhappiness because I don't want to infect other people's happiness with it. Every person has their own problems, and I don't want to burden anyone else with mine. I try to put on a brave face for the benefit of others, which only makes me feel more alone. I only have the forum to share what I feel with.

i'm no good with advice, but this part stuck out to me because I know from experience that this isn't the way to go. If any of the people you are putting on a brave face for, _truly_ care about you, then you're never a burden to them. They'd lend an ear to you even if nothing else and trust me, it feels better not to pretend and not to waste the energy, even when you have other outlets. life's too short not to take advantage of all the support you can get. The ones who won't support you, fuck them. just my 2 cents.. good luck to you.
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Reply #9 - August 16, 2014, 01:18 PM

I don't have any advice to offer because I am terrible at dishing it out. I am going through same feelings but with higher intensity. You are right when you say that sometimes nothing works. But at least you have hopes, which I don't. And that can take you a long way . I can only wish you that you get out of this phase soon .
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Reply #10 - August 16, 2014, 02:04 PM

My only advice would be to keep on trying new things until you find what you really enjoy. Living in Saudi Arabia greatly reduces your oportunity at finding out what makes you happy. It’s impossible to know what you are missing out on if you honestly don’t even know what you are missing out on. I am today so incredibly different from that young guy who used to sit reading Quran in the prophet’s mosque. I am totally not that guy anymore. But it took a lot of time for me to figure out who I really was. In many ways, I still am. And in the midst of figuring it out, I sometimes find myself fighting against that part of me that wants to hold back from unfamiliar territory. Embracing that past and present is allowing me to become comfortable in an entirely new identity.

Really, man. Try not to be afraid of that world out there. You’ve got an amazing story and embracing it as you figure out who YOU are and where you are going will help you to become who you want to be.

No one can really figure it out for you, either. You’ve just got to try lots of new things. As you find those things you really enjoy, you’ll think to yourself, “Where has this been all my life!?”

Don’t worry too much about “fitting in.” People come in all shades of weirdness and interestingness. Find that stuff you like and you will find yourself around people with similar interests and backgrounds. Be nice to people. Be accepting of people. Most people are generally not evil.

You say you are into meditation? A few weeks ago I went to meditate at a Buddhist Temple. The people who were there were from all sorts of religious backgrounds, and suddenly, being a son of black Muslim converts who himself also took an interest in Islam and studied it for a while before leaving it didn’t seem like such a strange a thing. It was just part of my own story. I was able to meet to meet people with entirely different stories, all just trying to get through life.

Are you into music? Find some concerts to go to. In Texas in the summer, there are all sorts of concerts for all sorts of genres. Use Yelp or some other app to find out what’s happening in your town or nearby. I know it might seem weird at first, but you’ll meet people. Judging from the responses you got when you uploaded your picture, you are a pretty handsome guy. You can be that cool, handsome guy with the really interesting backstory. It’s a good thing to be.

I know this might seem like an overly optimistic post, but that is the sort of vibe I’m trying to be on right now. We’ve got this one chance at life. What are we going to do with it? What would you do if someone gave you a chance to live? Here it is.

How is the job search coming along?
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Reply #11 - August 16, 2014, 03:24 PM

HM: Thanks. I'll take note of all of that. I haven't started my job search because I haven't managed to get my SSN yet. They rejected my application because I didn't have records of my childhood. I had scans of some of them sent to me, so I want to go and try again soon. I said everything in this topic under the assumption that it will work out, but if they keep giving me trouble, I'm going to run out of money before I get a job, and things could get that much uglier.
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Reply #12 - August 16, 2014, 04:26 PM

I would recommend seeing a doctor and check up vitamin d defiency of which depression is one of the major symptoms. Indeed ask for a vitamin d checkup, especially if you are indoors too much or don't get much sun.
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Reply #13 - August 17, 2014, 10:59 AM

Hello,
I am new sorry for not introducing myself and stuff but this is the first post I wanted to answer to.

Should we be glad to be alive? I mean, life in itself is not a gift, it is what people make of it that makes it worth living or not. And by "what people make of it" I mean what you make of your life but also what your relatives/people around you make of your life. If you were born to bad parents then they already fuckep up a good part of it. Your capacity to want/make friends is also fucked up. If all you meet are stupid people who reject you because you are different it will not help either (I don't know your story sorry but I think it happens to many people, including me). But see, it is never the useless people who commit suicide. I mean, all around me I see happy people and they all look stupid to me. Stupid people don't ask themselves questions, they just live like animals, happy of what is, happy of themselves, happy in this stupid fucked-up society. I envy them sometimes. But does it mean that you don't have the right to be there as well, being yourself? So many people feel "inadequate" but who really fits in? The world is not made for only one type of people, and everybody is different, which is what makes this whole life thing interesting. And if there were no people like you, like me, like the majority of people of this forum then I think the world would have been more fucked up.

I understand your difficulty to have friends, I have the same problem. Sometimes I think I am not social and don't like people, while all I dream of is a world where everybody talks to each other and cares about each other. On the bus, on the beach, everywhere, people avoid contact, even eye-contact, it is incredible! What kind of society is that? We are all brothers and sisters no?

Anyway sorry for the repeated use of f***ed up and the off-topic and all, I am new to this forum so there are sooo many things I want to discuss but first really Toona I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Maybe it doesn't help you at all, maybe you need therapy or vitamin d or drugs or sugar/chocolate (works for me, but maybe because I'm a girl), anyway you get the point, sorry for writing so much useless stuff.
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Reply #14 - August 17, 2014, 12:37 PM

I don't know but eating chocolate does help lift my mood. I realised this yesterday. But strangely the bar I had was made from cocoa substitute so I can't vouch for it.

@Kali Nagin- Welcome to the forum . Please introduce yourself in the Introductions section. Sorry QSE I took over for you in your absence .
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Reply #15 - August 17, 2014, 01:01 PM

Quote from: Skywalker on August 16, 2014, 04:26 PM
I would recommend seeing a doctor and check up vitamin d defiency of which depression is one of the major symptoms. Indeed ask for a vitamin d checkup, especially if you are indoors too much or don't get much sun.

I am so glad you mentioned that, I had completely forgotten. When I moved to a northern clime from the desert they told me to take extra D as a matter of course. It was a given that my body would not adjust quickly to the change. Take it at least until next spring, I have been taking mine for two years, but I had malnutrition.

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Reply #16 - August 17, 2014, 01:25 PM

Toonaa
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Reply #17 - August 17, 2014, 02:35 PM

My advice to you is most of the time life gets better, the angst, anxiousness and dark clouds of my twenties seem like growing pains now.

Late Eid Mubarak, Where's my eidee present ?
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Reply #18 - August 18, 2014, 11:54 AM

Quote
I refrain from talking about my unhappiness because I don't want to infect other people's happiness with it. Every person has their own problems, and I don't want to burden anyone else with mine. I try to put on a brave face for the benefit of others, which only makes me feel more alone. I only have the forum to share what I feel with.

You know, Toona, this might be a part of the answer to your problem. We humans are social animals, we are biologically wired to have connections with other human beings and we thrive on these connections. Our brains literally react to encountering and connecting with other people. And it works with 'bad' things more than with the good stuff. By sharing your unhappiness with someone, someone that deserves to hear it, you show them your imperfect, true self. And you give them the opportunity to accept and love your true self. There is a 100% chance that they know suffering too, that they are unhappy too, whether it's in a similar way or another. Find the right person to share this with and they might share their pain with you. That's the only way to truly connect with people. Putting on a brave face is exhausting and although it's very selfless of you to consider the benefit of others, you should consider your own benefit. In the end that will help you and the other person.

Give yourself some time, you are only just beginning to get away from all the things that have happened to you. It takes time to shake that off. I don't know how old you are, but let's say you are 25...then you've had 25 years of not being yourself and just 1, 2 years of trying to become that person. It will take time but it will be worth it!

The future is full of thrilling possibilities.
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Reply #19 - August 18, 2014, 01:46 PM

Oh, I so recognize this. Feeling stuck for years now, while I have all the possibilities in the world to make my life good. It's 'just' me that keeps me back. Last week I found a stack of reports by different psychologists and outplacement organisations, many that I had forgotten about, and the story is just always the same: I don't trust myself and other people, while I so much long for friends, love and a job that suits me. In 20 years not much has changed. But I don't want to die either.

Today I was talking about this with my current psychologist and maybe it is time to accept the fact that this is the situation. This is something that comes from my childhood and is so deeply ingrained, I don't know how to get at it. This is me. Now I've decided that trying new things doesn't have to be a success, but it is in the doing that keeps me moving. What has always had me going was and is the hope that things can change.

I'm sorry that I am in no way helpfull, but just know you are not alone.
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