wow, what a story, so much of pain
I am SO glad you found the strength to leave
Thanks confusedagno
I'm also glad I left, because who knows how shitty life would still be if I hadn't/ :/
You know I can so relate to what you mention here, I too am not good at being submissive. I think it has less to do with your english side and more to do with the fact that you have a strong personality. I am sure that just like me you have also always felt deep down, even on the days you felt defeated that you were meant to live a very different life then the one you were living.
I know so many times in my life I felt like I was living someone else's life, going through the motions. It felt like I was standing and watching my life sift through my fingers as a voice inside of me cried out for more.
Yep, I hear you. That's a familiar feeling to me, especially back then....thinking how in the hell did I end up here considering all my beliefs and ambitions as a child. My rebellion was my pride and I let it get squished out of me for a bit.
I know it wasn't the English side, that was just something I wondered at sometimes, when my ex husband wouldn't stop, and I couldn't stop. But it as you say, a strong personality in a woman cannot live well under Islam.
I would love to hear how things turned out for you
Pretty good actually
When I originally wrote that story, my ex had been awarded contact with the children, which meant he found at my address. He has turned up bashing on the door before, but I just called the police, and I am lucky really, that all my huge fears back then never came true.
He may hate me, but I didn't realise that thanks to my fight for my freedom, I won back all the control. He feared to come here, everytime he made trouble, which honestly was primarily centred on him finding out I was dating once, I just called the police.
He beat my eldest with a belt, and would belittle him all the time (he has special needs), and he threatened my daughter, told her he would beat her if she didn't tell him the name of the person I was dating at the time. So they stopped wanting to see him, and he lost his own children through his own actions.
I'd say I've probably had less trouble off him as he knows I am single (he felt threatened and became threatening when I dated, but that relationship fizzled not long after...which made my ex husband happy lol), and it satisfies him and quells his jealousy.
Meh, not to say being single is being done for him, I'm single because I just am. It's just the way it is. Still unlovable, but whatever right.
Anyway currently my ex is in prison, second time since I left him. Not because of me, but because he is a stupid idiot.
For myself, after years of hiding in my house, and talking online to my only friends, I went to college a few years back, and then on to Uni, where I have a year left until I am finished. I love being at uni, I love knowing that my life is on a course I am happy with. I love my subjects, just enjoy learning and gaining in confidence.
My ex always used to call me stupid, but who is the stupid one now right? him stuck in a prison cell, or me, gaining the highest marks at uni, and heading off to do a masters straight after that? Yea my confidence has definitely grown.
I also learned to drive and got my license and a car, which he would never let me do.
I'm very happy at the moment. Even though I have so much other stuff that is shitty, like a son who is verbally abusive, and may well hit me since he has thrown things at me, I am still so much happier than ever before.
Honestly, at times I feel so content I have the urge to hug someone.
lol and I used to hate hugs because I didn't feel worthy of them. It's a recent development, but my desire to show affection has increased, as time, and the right friends, and my kids, have taught me that I am worthy of it, and it won't always be rejected.
Sigh.....things are good.
Topic: My journey up from the abyss