REVELATION, RESENTMENT, & ACCEPTANCE
So finally when I boarded the plane and headed back to Pakistan in January after completing my MPhil, I was fairly calm and level headed. I initially didnt plan to reveal my change in ideals and beliefs for fear of making my family panic and stuff. I thought it was best to keep it low, but I said "Ah fuck it...I'm gonna tell !!".
There was a reason for me saying that.
Ever since my dad retired from the army in mid 2005, my family had shifted back to our home town in the centre of the country, but because dad hadnt really taken the opportunity of making our own house seriously we decided to live next door at our uncle's rather large house which initially housed MANY members of our extended family a little over a decade a back. The house was all vacant anyway apart from my uncle's own family, his kids, my fiery grandma, and a creepy uncle of my parents who just didnt want to leave to his son's place (an army officer himself) after spending most of his years at the same place.
So were welcomed with open arms and stayed. Dad tried his hand in tending to our lands outside the city as well starting his own small business here and there. 4 years to that day, we are still living at our uncle's place, still waiting for our house to be built, still resentful and still angry at ourselves for some bad business decisions, intimidated by relatives over the years, not enough profit and being sarcastically mocked at times.
This has made my dad a shell of his former proud fiery self. Mom too has had the same transformation, my two sisters as well but their rebellious spirit is still inside them and they arent giving up. One is in uni already in the same city (to her own disgust) while the other looks set to go a better place and study there as soon as she finishes A-Level exams next month and the result is released in a few months.
I figured my change of thought would be taken very coolly by the folks, with some resentment of course, but they wont react like mad before being 'domesticated' and humiliated living at uncle's place (which technically we also have a right to, given this was shared land of our grandparents...but you know how dominant elders can be).
and I was right.
a few days after I had landed, family mentioned I had changed in looks etc. I said "I have also gone through a spiritual journey as well and have also changed what I know of in this world". That line confused some, amused some, and concerned some. Some called it a brave journey, others called it just a phase in my life
My uncle, who fancies himself as a learned intellectual of sorts despite his attitude and habits towards us, took great interest in what I had told him off. As I said that in my extended family, its the women who are usually more religious while men do the namaz etc stuff on occasions, he was really pleased at my usage of logic, reason, critical thinking, and a realisation of what is religion and what does it do and the harm it brings. His kids took interest as well, and one of them was pissed off at what she read in Surah Nisa: 34
I explained that this was an ideal example of bedouin male chauvinism and fear of women that makes them allow us to beat our wives if they 'disobey' us. My sisters initially didnt take my atheism well, they actually said that I was gonna cause myself a lot of trouble if I wasnt careful esp. in a place like Pakistan, and esp. in a city as conservative as Multan.
Soon enough I had a nice hearty chat with my dad about this, and I explained that how come all these pre-Muhammad Abrahamic prophets seem more like mythical tales rather than historical figures since there is NO archaeological or historical evidence that boys like Ibrahim, Issa, Adam, Musa, Salman etc even existed. Metaphors and myths. Nothing else. This also included my critical analysis of Quranic inconsistencies and reliance on mullahs to explain what is Islam. He was pleased, he hated religious bullshit and inconsistencies himself since he was a kid, but kept his faith to himself (he still is and calls himself a Shia) but advised me to watch what I say.
In a nice late night chat with sisters later on, they were thrilled at the explanations I gave, and said "this is the most coolest thing you have done fatso"
bless them. both heavily criticised our old beliefs and superstitions but they still want to believe in something and are content with being skeptic Shias.
The biggest test I felt was telling my mom, and soon enough she asked me herself when dad was around. I dug deep, and let it rip (in a gentle and meaningful tone of course) and she was shocked
Not crazy shocked but she got scared that these things may land me into trouble (her own younger brother is a staunchly secular and all most non practising but well learned Shia...and the coolest uncle I have, but even he isnt an atheist like me ^_^).
Although she agreed with the observations I gave, and bear in mind I didnt do any character assassinations or diss someone like many ex-Muslims do elsewhere (it ruins your argument when you call names) and I was cool calculated and rational with my arguments. But eventually she would catch me saying well there should be a god who is running this world and earth...i said sorry god has yet to show any evidence which PROVES of his existence and there is no god like the god in the Abrahamic books of violence and sexual perversions.
She even said that she will bring my faith back by sending me to a madrassa, and started saying that "is this why we sent you to England to study ??" and my dad also repeated the same. I snapped back saying I have learned a lot of things and sorry you are too scared to understand or even accept them. She used to insist I do namaz etc to please her, I did once but I'm not doing it again. Useless bowing and stuff. Meh. (decent exercise I must admit though) and she now accepts she cant change me. She always knew I had more knowledge about Islam and knows I get pissed off whenever she mentions anything superstitious or any religious faggotry too absurd to accept
I dont plan to tell my grandma out of my own resentment towards her mean nature and the fact she is more or less ignorant about EVERYTHING apart from nonsense written in shia books and urdu magazines. Her opinion doesnt matter and it never will.
I do plan to slowly tell my other cousins what I am when they come and visit us, but at the moment I just finished lecturing a semester at my local university where I have had smart (but wise) discussions with my fellow students in their spare time.
I will discuss them later on
Topic: from saying "Ali'yun wali'ullah" to "La ilaha"