Re: FinallyFree: Meltdown at FFI
Reply #26 - July 23, 2009, 05:31 PM
Bear with me all-line speed very slow for the moment.
It seems like yesterday when I was on here doing what I'm doing now, some comments of mine having been posted and me defending them.
This time I won't, these comments were attrocious, even as I read them now I am filled with guilt and genuine sadness, what was I thinking? I wasn't. Something dreadful was happening in my life at the time, a certain family member had just been diagnosed with ovary cancer, pretty serious ovary cancer actually and I was depressed, I was also bored and tired of drama so for some reason I decided to spend time on the net, bad idea. I said a few stupid things on FFI and then the reaction was justifyably loud and harsh, I then said some even more stupid things. The other thing is I have some kind of social illness, I don't know what it is because I try to keep it hidden. At first I thought it was a mild form of OCD, but it's more serious and aggressive now. I get this from a maternal genatic line of mental defects, my grandmother died of Alzheimers in 2004 and out of 4 of her daughters, 3 of them have personality disorders. Of course, I do have human free will and the ability to type so I'm not trying to spread the blame on something else but as Islame rightly said, I am very instable.
Comments were rubbish, but I am an ex-Muslim, I will give a quick bio (I have never said otherwise, I haven't lied about my bio and I dont think there is a reason to, sorry if I said something that you misinterpreted Qman but I didnt say what you said I said).
I was born in the UK to two Syrian immigrants.My mums family is Circassian (Christian slaves during the Ottoman empire who converted to Islam from the Caucasus-Russia and Georgia). My dads family is Armenian, again, recent Christian converts (in the last 150 years). I did know about my mums family but not my dads, I thought he was just a "Syrian Arab" but it was something he was ashamed of because he was always taught that Armenians are Christian second citizens and thus are inferior. I only found out recently from the black sheep in the family, one of his cousins who is sympathetic.
Anyway, not relevent, but interesting all the same. My dad was in with the wahhabis when he came to the UK, my mum came from a rich and fairly secular family, secular by Islamic terms that is. My dad raised me wahhabi, until I was 14 all I knew was Wahhabi Islam, which even know I can see as the closest Islam to the scriptures (just saying). My mum went through a hard time but as a good Muslimah just went through it, the marriage was only because she wanted to escape from the boredom of an upperclass life and see the world. Life turned out different I suppose. She managed to stop thinking like a sheep for 5 seconds and got a UK non-Islamic divorce-she was an instant outcast and called a murtad by all her Saudi ex-friends, even though she hadn't renounced Islam at all-but blame the woman is big in all cultures (some more than others)
Like Islame said, my father moved me to Syria to get me into Islam and because I started resisting his harsh upbringing. Two UK madrassas, one Deobandi and one Barelvi/Sufi couldn't sort me out (both South Asian schools, one in London and one in the East Midlands). I stayed in Syria for 8 months resisting everything and then through a court case my mum got custody and I came back, thankfully.
My mum isn't secular per se, but rather shirkful of her religion, like those young muslims in the UK who know alcohol is haraam but still drink it, she knows she should wear the hijab, not dress up in business suits and should be praying but she doesnt follow, and she always feels guilty about it. Thats the secular part that Qman might have thought I was referring to, but I didnt have a secular upbringing, it isnt secularism if you feel guilty about what you aren't doing, its non-practising at a personal cost.
Anyway, sorry for the comments, I am a real-ex Muslim though and I have a lot of problems, trying to deal with them right now in different ways but still, I haven't lied. If you want to test me on Islamic or inner-cultural matters you can and if you want to ask me questions you can. I promise to answer honestly and I put this whole bio here because I wanted to show consistency and truth.
By the way, I am still against Islam but now understand people see it in different ways but since the revolution and the oil money it is being seen in a uniformly rigid Wahhabi/Deobandi/Salafi way rather than any other, FFI is wasting away because its just the same old people and thats why I havent been back there, I dont know why Im back here either, but its probably because I find this place fun and the people human.
That's it. Oh, sorry I made a stink before I went.
"I am ready to make my confession. I ask for no forgiveness father, for I have not sinned. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I did not ask for the life that I was given, but it was given nonetheless-and with it, I did my best"
Topic: FinallyFree: Meltdown at FFI