Re: Who can't you forget?
Reply #79 - June 23, 2010, 10:34 PM
I want to express my truest feelings here, oh well, none of you know who I really am in real life so it's safe. I still feel like I have a heavy heart tonight, sorry.
Please don't judge, I need to let out the truth from my heart. My feelings are complex, I am a complex human being.
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Unsent letter to my first love,
Dear first love, it has been years since we have seen each other face to face.
I am sorry that I let you go many years ago. I did not want to see you cry, I wanted to protect you but I failed at doing so. I failed to keep my word. I am sorry because I was a kid at that time, I was impatient and I could not handle the obstacles at that time which related to family issues. You should know, I could not take it when they judged you, when they hurt you, maybe I did what was best for you even though it shattered my heart.
I am sorry that years afterwards, I have lied to myself a lot of times and hid how much I have missed you. I tried moving on with many friends and of course, men, but I still thought of you a lot and cried about you behind closed doors. Even as I write this letter, I feel tears fall down from my eyes. You were everything to me, nothing brightened my day better than seeing you smile at me. I trusted you the most. You picked me up when I cried and when I felt nobody could understand me enough, you took care of me for two whole years even when I could not take care of myself.
Dear first love, I only fall hard for one ex after you and he is still important to me. I have known him for many years. He tried to cheer me up (I could see that) when I was hung up, thinking about you. Just now, I passed by him and I felt his anger. He didn't say a word but even without looking at him, I knew him well enough, I knew deep down inside my heart, he is angry that it has been complicated between us for the longest time and he is angry that he has to face my continuous issues with 'other guys'. Oh my first love, it makes me feel guilty that in my life, there is another person who also can brighten my day that much with a smile, there is another person who showed me what it's like to be loved and adored by a man, besides you.
Even though it hurts me so much, from now on, I am going to hide my feelings for you because I don't want to cause him further pain. Maybe many years down the road, even if I get married to the person I'm meant to marry (whomever that may be), I would still think of you, my first love, from time to time.
Because nobody knows how hard it has been for me, letting go of all our promises, letting go of the messages I used to tell you 'I will never stop loving you' 'I promise you I will never forget you' 'I hope I'll be strong enough through these sacrifices so we can make it in the end' , and facing the fact that I did not keep my word, I did not show you a love that I showed you when I cried in front of you, my first love. Sometimes even though it might seem selfish of me I wish I could turn back time so that a long time ago, I protected you better, I stood up for you more fiercely, I gave you a better life and I guided you with a less selfish heart. All I want is the best for you, my most beloved.
This year, my first love, when I told you the truth via SMS and I could tell from the way you responded to my messages, you were still angry and hurt. Even though we've been apart for what feels like a decade, I still know who you are. That anger killed me. Just so you know, even if you are unable to forgive me right now, even if you harbor thoughts like,'you're so useless, worthless, I wish I never knew you', I still care for you the same way. I don't blame you if you feel that way about me right now, but I still want the best for you. I am sorry that a part of me feels like I was a failure, I wish that I was there for you. Even though it seems on education level I have progressed more, the truth is, I feel like I'm the failure. Also, this year, I admitted to my family and fought with them about how hard it has been, letting you go for all these years. I hope that by now, they have understood me.
Dear my first love, do I deserve this path - the one with that important guy in my life right now? I hope he can forgive me and he can trust me again. I love it when he tried to cheer me up, I want him to do more of that. I sometimes feel lost, wishing that I can see you again, first love, wondering if you would be proud of how much I have changed today, but..I just have to accept my fate.
I am sorry.
Topic: Who can't you forget?