Yeah I think we all have had a good smack when I look back its kinda funny but sometimes it set me straight , its odd how I don't think anything of it .
I went through years of being dismissive over my abuse.
people would say to me 'I don't understand how you can be so blase about it", but I never really thought they [my parents] were wrong. I went through a stage of thinking that I should have stayed because the abuse would have at least kept me on the straight and narrow but really that was wrong.
It's a bit like confused people joing the army because they think being controlled is the only way to gain self control. I know you aren't saying that, it just triggered that thought in my head lol.
It's only really now, the last few years, that I feel so angry about it all. That I feel betrayed by them, and am able to blame some of my issues on them, whereas before I took full responsiblity for the things that happend to me.
Yes the threat itself makes a very powerful impact, it definitely controlled my every behaviour to the point where I didn't even dare trying anything because I was afraid of the qonsequences if I got cought. It has become part of my person, being afraid to do things other people disike because of that fear set inside me.
thanks, but im not thinking much about it, im giving them absolutely no reason to pick on me, as long as im secretive im good
You know I can see this within my own children, some children are just more prone to anxiety and fear even over implied abuse, than others. For me, I would rebel like crazy. I was first brought home by the police at 7 for stealing. This was something that became a regular thing, but at 7 is when I was introduced to abuse and to islam. I acted out like children do.
I knew I would be beaten but I did it anyway, because I knew I would be beaten for something else even if I behaved. I even remember one time someone saying to me (since everyone knew I was abused because I looked it lol and my parents weren't shy about coming to the school to do it) "but your parents will beat you" and me replying "its only a beating, I can handle it". (and I could, I could remove myself in my mind when they beat me)
But my daughter, she wouldn't dream of rebelling right now, and she is 7, much as I wouldn't ever dream of laying a finger on her. She isn't that way inclined and yet she is afraid of punishment. Not physical, although it is implied somewhat since my eldest will actively fight me, so it can get quite crazy, but she is more afraid of the regular goodies being taken away from her, so no tv, no story time, etc etc, its all it takes. She is a sweetheart <3. On the other hand my middle son is so rude, always arguing, always challenging, always breaking the rules.
My eldest breaks the rules when he is angry, then NO rule matters.
I am rambling cos it seemed relevent somehow, as in not everyone feels the need to provoke their parents so much, but not sure my rambling right now is relevent lol.