I realised the other day that there isn't any reason to be afraid of dying anymore. I used to be quite afraid of it, but I had one of those epiphany moments.
It used to be that I would rage rage against the dying of the light and not for me to go gentle into that good night, now I would welcome it. Not in a suicidal, seek it soon kind of way, but when it comes it comes and with it some peace. An end to the realities of the world that I no longer wish to know.
It's hard being a super idealist in a world that has no place for idealism, the harshness pretty much sucks, and the naive belief that I once held that kindness was the rule, has been replaced with the truth, that cruelty is the rule and kindness the exception. Something rare, and yet beautiful when you find it.
I just don;t feel I find it enough to continue raging against nature the way I have been.
I'm not a logical person, but then again I don't see logic as all it takes for one to be smart, one can be smart and still show no logic when it comes to certain things. Like where is the logic in hating nature for the lame few years you get of life in the first place? I mean think on it, you get a mere handful of years at your prime, your youth, and a whole load of years where it's nothing but failing health, and aging restrictions. Please don't give me the speech about age being just a number, nature again deals another blow, after 30 women lose most of their appeal, and if your single when the decline begins, good luck changing that.
That's nature, that's life, and yet I wasted time being angry for it, where is the logic in that?
Being angry that I had to die one day, when infact to die would be a release. It would be over. I wouldn;t be so lonely anymore. I wouldn't hurt over the past anymore, I wouldn't have to see myself failing anymore. I would just cease to be.
My favourite dream, is the one in which I am running, hurtling through the world, dust kicking up behind me. People glimpsed as a blur because I am going so fast, not running away but running towards a future. Not a future here, because here sickens me, but a future in which I do not exist, because my feet leave the ground, and I take off. Then I dissolve, I am gone, and then I wake up.......that part sorta stinks lol.
Honestly I am not on a suicidal train here, I have 3 kids who need me and so I am here for them, always. When my time comes it comes, but til that time I have a job to do.
So I'm not afraid anymore. Just thought I'd share that.
Topic: Berbs Blog, much madness within