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Theme Changer

 Topic: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim

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  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #90 - June 04, 2012, 03:50 PM
    Quote from: Da_Dude on June 04, 2012, 02:40 PM
    Yes, I've watched Into the Wild many, many, many times, it's one of my all time favorites. I relate very much to the main character (the movie is based on a true story).

    It's one of those movies that gets me through tough times, and comforts me.

    The two songs in it that I have played over and over during tough periods, are Long Nights, and Guaranteed. If any song was my anthem for life, those two songs are it.

    Most people I know see that movie and those songs as being incredibly sad, but to me they are powerful and strong and give me hope. Yeah, I know I'm weird, but that's what that movie and those songs do for me.

    Life is a journey we create and invent and discover, a path we each have to forge on our own.


    Yeah, there is alot in that movie that makes you think.

    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #91 - June 10, 2012, 10:27 AM
    snip snip

    Dear Little Brother, I hope you will find your wings and soar. It's truly beautiful up here.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL0t8t-rrFI


    Have no fear
    For when I'm alone
    I'll be better off than I was before

    I've got this light
    I'll be around to grow
    Who I was before
    I cannot recall

    Long nights allow me to feel...
    I'm falling...I am falling
    The lights go out
    Let me feel
    I'm falling
    I am falling safely to the ground
    Ah...

    I'll take this soul that's inside me now
    Like a brand new friend
    I'll forever know

    I've got this light
    And the will to show
    I will always be better than before

    Long nights allow me to feel...
    I'm falling...I am falling
    The lights go out
    Let me feel
    I'm falling
    I am falling safely to the ground

      
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #92 - June 10, 2012, 10:38 AM
    Beautifully written da_dude, I have no words of wisdom that you haven't already expressed in your post.  You understand already that it's just his road he is on, and that one day that road may lead to somewhere that has a pub on the corner where you can meet again, and that it might not and as painful as your post sounds it also expresses that you are making peace with this idea.  hugs

    I'm so glad to read you saying things like you are slowly feeling better, slowly starting to understand your own worth.  make peace with the past and focus on the places you are now, and as you said, being the light of your children's world.  Big hug

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #93 - June 10, 2012, 11:08 AM
    Thanks Berbs  Afro

    Think I'm growing, and I think writing has been helping alot, even though I can't see my psychologist at the moment and can't talk to my irl friends about stuff, writing has been helping and challenging, not to mention your guy's comments and reading your guys posts and seeing things from a different perspective/angle etc...

    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.  Afro  hugs
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #94 - June 11, 2012, 02:11 AM
    Dearest Da_Dude,  Big hug,
    I hope your little brother gets to read your letter some day and that he hears what it says. I'm glad you're having  a good day. As hard as it may seem on the bad days remember  these good  days. Remember the hope and dreams and love of life. It won't always be easy you know that but there are plenty of good times. You'll find them because you've been looking. Your love, desire for justice and kindness shows in the things you did for your brother from a very young age.
    If at first you succeed...try something harder.

    Failing isn't falling down. Failing is not getting back up again.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #95 - June 11, 2012, 08:49 AM
    Fuck. No more seizures. Please not another repeat of last night.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #96 - June 11, 2012, 12:28 PM
    Such a long, long night and day.

    snip snip
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #97 - June 11, 2012, 12:45 PM
    snip snip
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #98 - June 11, 2012, 12:54 PM
    Da_Dude far away hug My younger son has cluster focal and tonic clonic seizures at night, I know exactly what you are going through  far away hug thank god for wonderful ambulance services and paramedics, where would we be without them. Definitely get down to the doc straight away and get some meds, you'll feel so much better when you've done that. Take care.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #99 - June 11, 2012, 01:05 PM
    Sorry if that sounds too simplistic in the face of all the difficulties you face ,it isn't meant to hugs
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #100 - June 11, 2012, 01:36 PM
    Quote from: Azuremist on June 11, 2012, 12:54 PM
    Da_Dude far away hug My younger son has cluster focal and tonic clonic seizures at night, I know exactly what you are going through  far away hug thank god for wonderful ambulance services and paramedics, where would we be without them. Definitely get down to the doc straight away and get some meds, you'll feel so much better when you've done that. Take care.


    Thanks Azuremist, going to the doctors first thing in the morning and going to get it sorted and get on the meds, hopefully it'll stop it from happening/lessen the seizures.

    So sorry 'bout that your son has epilepsy too, it's awful having seizures, must be worrying for you too as his mum.  far away hug

    And yep, thank god for emergency services and for awesome ambos! yes

    Quote from: Azuremist on June 11, 2012, 01:05 PM
    Sorry if that sounds too simplistic in the face of all the difficulties you face ,it isn't meant to hugs


    No, doesn't sound simplistic, it's what I have to do, and hopefully it'll prevent/lessen the seizures. Thank you for your comment, I only know one other person irl who has epilepsy (not sure if anyone I know online has it, it's likely but probably not many people bring up/talk about so wouldn't know) and alot of people don't understand it, so it's good to hear feed-back. Afro

  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #101 - June 11, 2012, 02:49 PM
     Big hug
    I hope all goes well at your appointment.

    Remember seizure treatment is a process. Don't become down hearted. It took about 3 years to find a medication that controlled my. I still have them but... mild and during sleep. I don't  know... So much could be said. The expression around here is "It's a hard row t' hoe.".

    The nurse in me wants to say all kinds of things. I say the most important.

    Don't feel bad that you need medical help. Never feel judged when you hear the same instructions over and over again. Not everyone giving those instructions knows your account. They are giving routine instructions and repetition is just a way of teaching. Everyone knows how hard it is for you to make the changes but they also want to reinforce how important it is to make them. What if no one said anything? How would you know they cared?

    The person in me who is traveling  the road just wants to hug you and cry.
    If at first you succeed...try something harder.

    Failing isn't falling down. Failing is not getting back up again.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #102 - June 11, 2012, 06:14 PM
    Quote from: Lynna on June 11, 2012, 02:49 PM
    Big hug
    I hope all goes well at your appointment.

    Remember seizure treatment is a process. Don't become down hearted. It took about 3 years to find a medication that controlled my. I still have them but... mild and during sleep. I don't  know... So much could be said. The expression around here is "It's a hard row t' hoe.".

    The nurse in me wants to say all kinds of things. I say the most important.

    Don't feel bad that you need medical help. Never feel judged when you hear the same instructions over and over again. Not everyone giving those instructions knows your account. They are giving routine instructions and repetition is just a way of teaching. Everyone knows how hard it is for you to make the changes but they also want to reinforce how important it is to make them. What if no one said anything? How would you know they cared?

    The person in me who is traveling  the road just wants to hug you and cry.


    Thanks Lynna, I'm hoping it goes well too.

    Thank you for your advice, thanks for being the beautiful person you are who cares.  yes

    far away hug I'm so sorry you're in the same boat.

    That's a long time to get it under control, how long has it been since you started having seizures?  far away hug

    I'm sorry I've made you want to cry.  Embarrassed

  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #103 - June 11, 2012, 09:08 PM

    The car accident in 2007.

    It is okay to cry. For me crying is a very important part of recovering from an emotional limited childhood. Some might think that we had it all. In some ways I had alot growing up. Emotiional silence was however something that was expected and actually something I am very good at giving the appearance of. I use to be afraid that if I ever started to cry I would never be able to stop because there was so much sadness inside me. Now I realize that all the parts of my life have made me who i am and that I'm not all together disatistifed with that. Yes, for sure it would have been nice to have been raised in paradise but... well... short of that... yep, well I haven't dead young yet.  Cheesy

    Your seizures started from trauma as well, did they not?  far away hug

    Sorry about the spelling i'm on my laptop and it doesn't have spell check.
    If at first you succeed...try something harder.

    Failing isn't falling down. Failing is not getting back up again.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #104 - June 11, 2012, 10:28 PM
    Quote
    obviously I'm not trying hard enough, not working hard enough to combat the inner self-hate, obviously I'm not valuing myself enough and if I don't, who will?

    Just don't take this as more reason to load on the self-loathing. That's a trap too. Try to learn to like yourself and cut yourself some slack. Smiley
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #105 - June 12, 2012, 12:25 AM
    Quote from: Lynna on June 11, 2012, 09:08 PM
    The car accident in 2007.

    It is okay to cry. For me crying is a very important part of recovering from an emotional limited childhood. Some might think that we had it all. In some ways I had alot growing up. 

     

    Emotional pain & sadness is something that shows in different ways, in different people, and there will always be a child out there who goes  through more suffereing, than another, who in turn will have it all as far as another child might think.

    You‘ve learnt how to express sadness & emotions, despite not being allowed to express it as a child, that is brave, must feel sometimes like a burst dam. far away hug

    Quote
    Your seizures started from trauma as well, did they not?  far away hug

    Sorry about the spelling i'm on my laptop and it doesn't have spell check.



    Yep, started months after I came out of hospital (coma), took me a long time to seek help though cause i was hoping it would go away, finally told the doctor and he sent me to see the neurologist at the hospital.

    Don't worry bout the spelling, mine is shoddy too. grin12 i'm on my phone hehe
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #106 - June 12, 2012, 12:30 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 11, 2012, 10:28 PM
    Just don't take this as more reason to load on the self-loathing. That's a trap too. Try to learn to like yourself and cut yourself some slack. Smiley


    True will keep this in mind, thank you for pointing that out.  thnkyu
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #107 - June 12, 2012, 11:15 PM
    snip snip
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #108 - June 12, 2012, 11:21 PM
    Quote from: Da_Dude on June 12, 2012, 11:15 PM
    Just bite the bullet (or da food  grin12 ) and do it. Fuck not eating! It's just holding me back and I need to move forward. The clinic will help me set up an eating plan and weight checks so that I will be held accountable for my eating/not eating. It feels like it's all going to happen too fast and I'm going to become massive and I won't have that control any more over the one thing that all these years has been only mine to control, the one thing that when I had no say over any part or aspect of my life, this was my rock. idiot2

    Yeah but you're not controlling it. It's controlling you. You having control would be you being able to eat normally.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #109 - June 12, 2012, 11:42 PM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 12, 2012, 11:21 PM
    Yeah but you're not controlling it. It's controlling you. You having control would be you being able to eat normally.


    So true! Good way to look at it.  yes  thnkyu

    It has been controlling me hasn't it? Alas 12 years of illusion of control over just one thing, what I ate or didn't eat , when in reality I was just hurting my body... idiot2

    Waste of a fucking life. Cheesy

    Going to fucking beat this thing and become healthy! yes
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #110 - June 12, 2012, 11:44 PM
    Zackly. You've been fearing losing control, but you lost it long ago. Now you need to get it back. yes
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #111 - June 13, 2012, 12:02 AM
    Quote from: Da_Dude on June 12, 2012, 11:42 PM
    So true! Good way to look at it.  yes  thnkyu

    It has been controlling me hasn't it? Alas 12 years of illusion of control over just one thing, what I ate or didn't eat , when in reality I was just hurting my body... idiot2

    Waste of a fucking life. Cheesy

    Going to fucking beat this thing and become healthy! yes

     Go, Dude, go! You can do iiiiit!  dance Afro
    "I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."
    Muhammad Ali
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #112 - June 13, 2012, 01:05 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 12, 2012, 11:44 PM
    Zackly. You've been fearing losing control, but you lost it long ago. Now you need to get it back. yes


    Yep, definitely. yes  Afro

    Quote from: Susie Cues on June 13, 2012, 12:02 AM
    Go, Dude, go! You can do iiiiit!  dance Afro


     dance dance dance
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #113 - June 13, 2012, 02:05 AM
    I don't get this control = not eating thing. I mean if you wanna exercise control, make a resolution to fart God Save the Queen every time you fart. That takes control. Anyone who can do that deserves serious respect. parrot
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #114 - June 13, 2012, 09:26 AM
    Lmao Os

    There's so many layers, to the not eating and control, that I can‘t work it all out let alone any one else understand my jibberish Cheesy

    Thanks for the laughs. Afro
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #115 - June 13, 2012, 09:44 AM
    So sick of the insomnia, I went bonkers earlier should‘ve picked up on it when at about 3pm I was drinking a cup of water only to notice all these worms swimming in my cup and I giggled and drank it down. Then my arms and hands were going purple and the curtains were waving. I was giggling more and more, but just accepted it all. Cheesy

    Went to go to sleep, was feeling sleepy, but alas cartoon surfing dogs pretty and colours flying everywhere. And iwas still gigling. Then the sleepiness vanished and I'm wide awake again. Sigh.

    Typical sleep deprevation hallucinations or could the epilim do this!

  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #116 - June 13, 2012, 10:39 AM
    Sounds really cool. I've never gone without sleep that long so wouldn't know if it's the sleep deprivation, or the meds, or the combination of the two. I have a suspicion though that any meds are only going to make your head funnier when you're that short of sleep.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #117 - June 13, 2012, 12:05 PM
    Quote from: Da_Dude on June 13, 2012, 09:44 AM
    So sick of the insomnia, I went bonkers earlier should‘ve picked up on it when at about 3pm I was drinking a cup of water only to notice all these worms swimming in my cup and I giggled and drank it down. Then my arms and hands were going purple and the curtains were waving. I was giggling more and more, but just accepted it all. Cheesy

    Went to go to sleep, was feeling sleepy, but alas cartoon surfing dogs pretty and colours flying everywhere. And iwas still gigling. Then the sleepiness vanished and I'm wide awake again. Sigh.

    Typical sleep deprevation hallucinations or could the epilim do this!




    A quick search shows not a normal side effect however do take the matter up with your doctor there are people who have abnormal reactions.  After just three days of sleep deprivation some people can appear "clinically insane". So the sleep deprivation  is a possibility but again something that is best evaluated by a doctor. Definitely not something that should go untreated nor should attempts be made to handle this on your own. Did you just start the epilim after this last episode?  Do you have an option with your doctor to phone the nurse to relay questions to the doctor and get an answer back asap? If so try doing that asap.
    If at first you succeed...try something harder.

    Failing isn't falling down. Failing is not getting back up again.
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #118 - June 13, 2012, 03:17 PM
    You can do it!  
    ***~Church is where bad people go to hide~***
  • Re: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim
     Reply #119 - June 14, 2012, 12:48 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on June 13, 2012, 10:39 AM
    Sounds really cool. I've never gone without sleep that long so wouldn't know if it's the sleep deprivation, or the meds, or the combination of the two. I have a suspicion though that any meds are only going to make your head funnier when you're that short of sleep.


    It did feel really cool at the time, actually had happy feelings going through my arms and legs and felt like I had bugs crawling over me at one point (which should be freaky) and I just kept giggling. At one point it felt like I had a mouth full of hair, and kept trying to get the hair out.  Cheesy idiot2

    Said to my neighbour last night when he came over for a visit, that the only good thing about the sleep deprivation is the happy feelings I get once I start hallucinating. I kept asking him if my hands and feet were purple, 'cause I kept looking down at them and they were purple to me. He was laughing his guts up about it, 'cause he gets bad insomnia too, and he also starts hallucinating if he hasn't had enough. He said to me that his doctor told him that insomnia can't kill you, so won't give him anything to help him sleep, even after 4 or 5 days with no sleep, poor bloke.

    I've had sleep deprivation hallucinations before, but only if I get no sleep for 3 or 4 days... Once the hallucinations start, they start and stop every couple of hours until I get some sleep, and I'll swing between being giggly when the hallucinations are happening and normal when they aren't. Maybe the fact that it was 5 days with only 6 hours sleep and no sleep for two days before last night, might have something to do with it. The meds probably are playing up with my brain though.

    So glad I got some sleep last night, I felt like a zombie yesterday.  banana dance banana dance
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